


Now There's Only Emptiness

by SomePacificWind02



Category: Love Simon (2018), Love Victor (TV 2020), Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, POV Alternating, POV Third Person, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Victor is a disaster gay, i love my gays
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:48:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 25,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25962358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomePacificWind02/pseuds/SomePacificWind02
Summary: Victor Salazar has done it now. He finally ruined everything. His relationship with Mia was destroyed, he was still in the closet to his family, he pushed Benji away, and on top of that he was now the pariah of Creekwood High. Victor Salazar: A Cheating Salaslut. Like Lone Stone before him, he will never be able to live it down. With his support system collapsing, will he be able to survive the rest of the year? Let alone until spring break?ORAlternate ending to season one of Love, Victor where Andrew doesn't overhear his conversation with Benji, and Mia doesn't see him and Benji kiss...but someone else does...
Relationships: Benjamin "Benji" Campbell/Victor Salazar, Bram Greenfeld/Simon Spier, Lake Meriwether/Felix Weston, Leah Burke/Abby Suso (mentioned)
Comments: 48
Kudos: 129





	1. Victor

“I’ll stay out of your way,” he said, looking down at the floor, “Starting now.”

Victor Salazar could feel his heart break as he walked out the double doors that lead to the school’s front courtyard. This wasn’t the way his evening was supposed to go. He should be in there giving Mia the time of her life, but of course he couldn’t resist the urge to defend Benji from Derek. Victor should have looked the other way, back into the eyes of the girl he was dating, but instead, he saw them arguing and ran off, leaving Mia stranded during the slow dance. It was his fault he and Derek's relationship was on ice.  _ He _ was the one who kissed Benji, not the other way around.

Benji did kiss him back, if only for a moment.

No. That didn’t matter.

So there he went. Into that dark hall outside the gym, desperately doing all he could to take the blame, and sacrificing what few good graces he had left with Mia to rescue a boy who couldn’t want him.

It was all a mess.

Victor sat down on a bench and stared at the grass. A cold, calm breeze brushed his face. Shame burned in his eyes, in his lungs, in his cheeks. In his heart.  _ God, how could I be so stupid, _ he thought to himself,  _ Now they’re probably fighting again, and it’s all my fault. _

He didn’t look back when the front door opened softly, nor did he look back when he heard the footsteps approach him. It was probably Mia. She must have gone looking for him after he stranded her.

“Hey.”

It was Benji.

“Hey.” Victor offered a sad smile.

Benji looked a little flustered, if not relieved. He plopped down next to Victor. Clasping his hands together, he took a deep breath.

“We broke up.”

Victor looked over at him. Benji’s expression was a mix of shock, resignation, and a little sadness. His heart sank. Great, not only would he be breaking Mia’s heart later on — if he hadn’t done that already, but now he was the cause of death for Benji and Derek’s relationship. Some home wrecker he was.

“Benji I-I,” he stammered, “I’m so sorry. I-I never meant for any of this I—”

“No, No. I broke up with him.”

Victor knit his brow. “Why?”

“Something has been off with us for a while.” He pursed his lips. “He makes me feel bad a lot of the time. About the things I like to do. About being a romantic...I want to be with someone who doesn’t make me feel anxious all the time. You know, someone who I can just...be myself and that’s enough.”

Victor nodded.

“That’s how you make me feel Victor.”

His heart stopped. “That’s...That’s how you make me feel too.”

Benji’s eyes flitted back and forth between his eyes and his mouth. Time seemed to slow down around them Victor pulled him in. It was as if a supernova burst inside of him — glitter and stardust falling everywhere. His lips were so soft and so sweet, and the rhythm of their kisses was desperate but steady. Benji wrapped his hand around his arm, pulling him closer still. Nothing he did with Mia could compare. He was right. Liking someone was not enough. Kissing Mia felt nice.

Kissing Benji felt like destiny.

He pulled back.

“Wow,” he laughed out breathlessly.

“Yeah.” Benji wet his lips just barely, and Victor had to fight the urge to kiss him again. “What about Mia?”

“I’m going to tell her the truth tomorrow. I-I promise.”

Benji rested his hand on Victor’s thigh. “Victor, I want this as much as you do, but I’ve been out for a while now. Have you even said the words out loud yet? ‘I’m gay?’”

“I’m going to. I  _ am _ . I’m ready.”

Benji smiled. “Okay. I believe you.”

He pulled Victor back. Their kisses were less intense this time, but the energy and desire still burned strong. Everything was Benji. Someone could walk in on them for all he cared. It would not matter.

“I should probably get inside,” he said, pulling back again.

Benji looked down. “Yeah.”

“Um...I’ll call you tomorrow?”

“Okay.” He nodded.

Victor ran a hand through Benji’s hair, barely containing himself. He could stroke it all night if he wanted to, but he forced himself off the bench and back into the gym. As he snuck a glance back at him, he started to smile so hard his cheeks hurt.

They were playing Nicki Minaj’s, “Anaconda,” when he stepped back inside.

Typical Creekwood. 

He scanned the room in search of his probably miserable girlfriend. Pilar materialized beside him.

“Come on.” She grabbed his arm hard. “We need to have a talk.”

“W-wait what?”

She dragged him into the girls bathroom.

“What’s going on?”

“Where. Have. You.  _ Been _ ?”

“Pilar.” He struggled to keep his tone even. “I wasn’t feeling well, so I went to the bathroom.”

Pilar folded her arms. “For fifteen minutes?”

“Yeah…” Victor looked down.

“Who’s B?”

Busted.

“Pila—”

“Is she your side chick?” Pilar scoffed, “Why are you cheating on Mia, hmm? Is she not good enough for you? Because from where I’m standing you’re  _ clearly _ not good enough for her. You stood her up for that girl, you know that? All alone on the dance floor. Smooth Victor, real smooth.”

“It’s not what you think.”

“I don’t believe you.” Victor expected the usual rage from Pilar, but her eyes betrayed nothing but disappointment. “Mom and dad  _ ripped _ us out of Texas and moved us here. I lost  _ all _ my friends — my boyfriend broke up with me. Mom turned out to be a cheater, and dad got himself fired. My whole world has been collapsing around me all year, but I thought, ‘At least I still have my brother. At least Victor is still Victor.’”

A lump formed in his throat.

“You were the only person that I thought I could trust, and now it’s like I don’t even know you.”

“Pliar, of course you do.” Victor struggled to find the right words to say. How could he? His sister was in just as much pain about everything as he was — arguably more so because she probably felt like everyone was failing her. “I’ve been going through something, and I want to explain it to you.” He glanced towards the bathroom exit. “But not here, okay?”

Her eyes grew shiny.

“Can we-can we please go home?”

Pilar pursed her lips.

“Please?”

Silence hung in the air for what felt like forever. Then, she finally drew a shaky breath. “Yeah, yeah we can go home.”

Victor wrapped his arm around her shoulders as they slipped out of the building.

“Does she know?”

He shook his head. “Not yet, but I’m going to tell her.”

“You missed your chance tonight,” she said, “I saw her go home all sad with Andrew and Lake.”

Victor cursed himself.

He had one shot to make his girlfriend’s life just a little bit better — to bring a little light into her darkness, and he had failed.

*****

There was a popular joke back at his old school in Texas. It went something like this: someone would try really hard at something and fail, then, usually a friend would offer joking — or mocking — encouragement by singing the first few lyrics of Coldplay’s, “Fix you.”

“When you try your best, but you don’t succeed.”

It was customary to hold out, “succeed,” as long as it is sung in the song, if not longer.

Victor could hear that same lyric running through his head as he and Pilar walked home; it only grew louder when his parents came clean about their separation to them later that evening.

Since day one, Victor had been the rock of the Salazar clan. Whenever things got rough, he was the one who could bring things back to center — a good pancake or video game always did the trick. In his heart of hearts, he knew that no amount of carbs or 1-Up mushrooms could smooth this rough patch over. Not only had he failed to give Mia the night of her life, now, he had failed to keep his family together.

“I’m so sorry mis amores,” Isabel said, “I know this is hard.”

To think he was going to come out to them tonight.

“I’m going to go change.” Victor stood up quickly from the armchair.

“Wait Victor, what were you going to tell us?”

“It’s nothing.”

On his way to his room, he paused. Why  _ not _ come out now? His family was already tearing at the seams. Why not add more gasoline to the fire? Why not distract everyone from the separation by drawing attention to his own personal dumpster fire? Besides, he told Pilar he’d explain everything to her. If there was any time to do it, now was the time.

And then there was Benji.

Sweet, compassionate, steady Benji.

_ “Have you even said the words aloud yet?” _

I’m gay.

_ Just say it. _

Victor balled his fists as he fought the urge to hide, to flee, to run away from this moment — this one instance where he could break free and make that declaration.

The urge subsided, and he dropped his fist.

No.

Not tonight. Not after hearing about that. His family couldn’t afford the additional stress. Wait it out for a week and see what happens then. Maybe even longer.

Victor’s shoulders slumped forward as he trudged into his room, closed the door, flopped onto his bed, and began to cry. 

Chest aching; heart breaking.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!” He began to punch his pillow. Channeling all his anger into destroying the pillow felt good. Victor imagined he was beating himself up for being a coward. That’s exactly what he was: a coward. He didn’t even have the courage to be honest with his family, let alone his girlfriend.

He spent the better part of five minutes venting his rage on the pillow. By the time the rage subsided, little feathers had started to dance out from the edges in little bursts. It reminded him of himself. Like that pillow, Victor’s whole life had begun to collapse in small but sure explosions.

Victor reached for his phone and pulled up instagram.

_ Dear Simon, _

_ Benji broke up with his boyfriend tonight. He wants to be with me for real. We kissed, and was everything I could have ever wanted. I told him I was ready to come out and be open and everything, but then I just found out that my parents are separating. I was going to tell them tonight, I swear. Now just seems like a really bad time to add more fuel to the fire. To make things worse, I ended up leaving Mia alone on the dance floor during the slow dance of all things. Everything is starting to fall apart, and the one good thing I have right now is so fragile it could break at any moment. I don’t know what to do. _

He probably wouldn’t see it tonight. Simon was probably up doing homework or out with Bram and his friends, but hopefully he’d see it soon. At least there was Simon.

There was always Simon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Welcome to Now There's Only Emptiness: An alternate telling of the Season One Finale and the aftermath that comes. I'm so excited to share this work with y'all. As always, constructive critiques are welcome. Also, feel free to share this work with other Simonverse/Love, Victor stans if you choose to do so. Sending love during this chaotic time <3


	2. Victor

The telltale, “Ping!” from an instagram notification jolted Victor awake. His heart raced as he checked to see if it was Simon.

It was just Felix tagging him in a post.

Oh well. Maybe he hadn’t seen his message yet.

The smell of bacon wafted through the air as he opened the bedroom door. Normalcy. This was good. Bacon was a usual breakfast item for the Salazar household. Isabel was working away at the griddle when he walked into the kitchen.

“¡Buenos días, mijo!” she said, “¿Cómo has dormido?”

“Okay,” he lied.

“Victor!” his brother cried, “Look I got a new Omnitrix!” Adrian held up a shiny toy-replica from the Ben 10 reboot. Much to Armando’s relief, his little brother had finally moved on from Frozen II and was now into something a little more…“palatable,” for elementary school boys.

Adrian with a toy. 

Good.

Normalcy was still intact. And Pilar and Armando were at the breakfast table. His sister was stuffing herself full with one of Isabel’s famous breakfast burritos. Armando was skimming the local newspaper.

Yep.

Just a regular day in Salazarland.

Armando turned the page as Victor took a seat.

“Good morning, flaco.”

“Good morning Dad.” He smiled over at Pilar. “Good morning Pilar.”

“Morning,” she grumbled, not looking at him.

Isabel placed a newly-made burrito on the plate in front of him. He inhaled deep, letting the savory steam flow through his nose. His mouth watered as he cut the burrito in half. It tasted fantastic. There was a special kind of magic Isabel worked with her burritos. Balancing flavors was no easy task, but she had managed to find the perfect harmony between the chorizo, egg, potato, and salsa.

“Would you like some Orange Juice?”

“Yes mom.”

Orange juice was the perfect way to enrich the breakfast experience. At least that’s what Victor thought. Milk or water or even tea couldn’t hold a candle to a glass of fresh OJ.

Normalcy.

Everything was perfectly normal.

Armando set down his newspaper. “Okay, I’m heading out.”

“Where are you...oh,” Victor trailed off as Armando pulled up the handle to his suitcase. “You’re leaving?”

“Sí, but only for now.”

He kissed his kids on the head and embraced Isabel. They stood there for a while, just taking in each other for the last time in what could be a very long time. It was really happening. 

His parents were separating.

She kissed him on the cheek. “Adios, Armando.”

“See you,” he barely whispered.

Victor bit down on his lip to stop it from quavering. Now was not the time to fall apart. He watched helplessly as his father left their apartment with his head hanging low.

Isabel pressed her lips together, blinking fast.

“Mami.” He rushed to her side. She rested her head on his shoulder and wept. She wept and wept and wept. Small whimpers grew into loud sobs. By then, Pilar and Adrian had joined them for a group hug. Isabel shook with each sob. Victor knew heartbreak, but to watch the person you were partnered to for years walk out — even temporarily? That was a pain he hoped he would never have to feel.

They all stood there in the kitchen, holding their mother as she fell apart. The smell of burning chorizo finally called Victor away to clean up the mess on the stove. His siblings guided Isabel to the couch.

“I’m going to get you some water,” Pilar said gently.

Isabel placed her face in her palms. “Okay.”

She didn’t meet his eyes as she joined him at the fridge. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Breathy and curt. Of course Pilar was angry at him. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on with you?”

“Later, right now we just need to help mom.”

Pilar left to bring her the glass of water as his phone buzzed twice.

It was Simon  _ and _ Bram.

He first checked the message from Simon.

_ Hey Vic, _

_ I don’t even know what to say right now. I am so sorry. There isn’t anything I can say that will make things better for you. Leaving someone stranded on the dance floor, huh? A classic Spier move. I’d applaud you if the circumstances were different. However seeing how things are now you probably should try and find Mia soon to apologize and tell her the truth. No matter how hard things are now, hiding the truth will only make it harder. As for Benji, well congrats. He’s more than lucky to have you. Have you ever opened up to him about some of the stuff you’re going through? You know, from experience, boyfriends make great comforters when life is hard. But hey, don’t take my word for it. ;) _

_ Your parents are separating? Gosh Victor I don’t even know what to say. Divorce and separation are not things I remotely understand, but I want you to know that I care. I am sending all my best vibes to you right now (Kim says, “I love you my little queen!”). _

_ Unfortunately, my friends, Bram, and I are all leaving for a two-and-a-half week long retreat. NYU has this fantastic program for queer underclassmen and this retreat is the final activity we have for the year. We’ll be MIA for a while. I’m so sorry, I really wish I could be there for you right now, but we’ll be home during yours and our spring break right after it ends. When we come home, I’m going to find you and give you the biggest hug you could possibly imagine. _

_ Hold out for just a little longer. You can do this. _

_ Love, _

_ Simon. _

Shit.

Just when he really needed him, Simon was going out of commission. This was not good. Not good at all.

Victor opened Bram’s message.

_ Hey Victor, _

_ Simon just told me all about what was going on, and I wanted to reach out to you personally. Congrats on getting the boy! Was the kiss everything you had been waiting for? Listen, I know what it’s like to go through the whole separation and divorce thing. My parents split back when I was in sixth grade, and it felt like my whole world collapsed. It can be so easy to blame yourself. But please remember that this is not your fault at all. So many kids feel like they’re the ones to blame when their parents break up, and that can really take a toll on their long-term mental health. I know because it happened to me. Please be kind to yourself during this hard time. Remember that you always, always have a family rooting for you in New York. _

_ With love, _

_ Bram _

_ P.S. I’m not sure if Simon told you, but we’re going to be on a retreat for the next few weeks. You know, the usual gay shit. We’ll be back before you know it, and we’re going to be home for spring break right after. Do expect hugs and kisses...and lots of comfort oreos...the halloween kind… _

He couldn’t help but smile.

At least he had something to look forward to. Halloween oreos and a hug sounded like the perfect remedy. 

Adrian tugged on his sleeve. “Victor, are mom and dad going to be okay?”

He squatted down and sighed. “You know what Adrian...I don’t know, but we’re going to all do our best to help each other.”

“Okay. Does that mean we can go see dad?”

“You can go see him whenever you want mijo,” Isabel called from the living room.

“Yaaaaay! Time to turn into Humongosaur!” Adrian turned on his omnitrix, fiddled around with it, and then slapped it. “RAWR!!! I’m going to get you Vilgax!”

“Not today Ben 10!” Victor growled.

For once, Adrian took the role of being the rock. Isabel played the role of Grandpa Max while Pilar was Gwen. Victor was the villain. They ran around the family room for hours, losing themselves in their little make believe adventure. The heroes chased Vilgax throughout space, going on many quests to save aliens and humans alike. Adrian never failed to mention when someone was getting it wrong, of course.

“Mami you’re not a toilet plumber, you’re an alien plumber! You fight aliens!”

“Lo siento mi amor.”

Pilar was smiling for the first time in weeks. She threw her head back, laughing maniacally as she said, “MUAHAHA! I have finally learned the ultimate spell! It’s over Vilgax!”

He caught her eye. For a brief second, the mask slipped, and he could see her rage simmering below the surface.

“Oh no!” he screamed, “You’ve finally bested me Tennyson family! I...cannot...win.” Victor fell to his knees. “NOOOOOO!”

Isabel bent over, resting her hands on her knees. “Ay ay,” she panted, “Eso fue divertido. I needed that so much.” She gave each of them a hug. “Thank you my children. I love you.”

Just then Victor remembered that he was supposed to call Benji.

“Hey, um. I gotta go to the bathroom. Be back in a moment.”

Pilar side-eyed him as he left the room. He dialed up Benji’s number and waited. It almost went to voicemail when he finally picked up.

“Hi sorry,” Benji sounded a little out of breath, “I was in the middle of a run.”

“It’s all good babe.” His cheeks flushed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to call you babe, I’m so sorry.”

Benji chuckled. “It’s okay.”

There was a beat of silence.

“So,” Benji continued, “about last night.”

“Last night was...amazing.”

“Yeah, it was absolutely incredible,” he agreed, “and I really want to see you today.”

“I’d love that! How about I meet you down at Brasstown Blues in an hour?”

“That sounds wonderful. I’ll see you then, Victor.”

He loved the way he said his name. It was so purposeful and full, like his name was a declaration or statement.

“Okay. Bye Benji.”

“Bye.”

His heartbeat thumped in his ears. Was this real? He was going to go on a date...with Benji…

“Who was that?” Pilar asked from the doorway.

“Oh, it was nobody.”

She folded her arms. “Sure. Have fun with B, whoever she is.”

“Pilar I—”

Pilar turned and left.

Guilt ran cold through his veins. He pictured Mia standing all alone in the crowd — arms folded, eyes watery. God, what a shitty boyfriend he was.

Victor texted Mia’s number:

_ Hey, I’m so sorry about last night. Can we please talk? _

Minutes passed by with no reply. Mia usually responded within seconds, but he was getting nothing. She didn’t even read it.

Maybe she was just busy.

_ Please. _

Nothing.

His heart sank. She was probably ignoring him — and deservingly so. Going through a middle man was a bad idea. Lake probably wouldn’t give him so much as a nod.

Everything was such a mess.

But there was still Benji, and he was determined not to mess this one thing up.

Victor changed into a blue and white striped shirt, red jacket, and jeans. Running a hand through his hair, he made sure everything was nice and tidy. Today’s date  _ had _ to go well. 

For his sake. 

****

He was waiting for him in the back of the coffee shop. Benji Campbell: the man of his dreams and how his...boyfriend? Could he even call him that? Victor wasn’t sure. There he was, dressed in his usual black, collared shirt with rolled up sleeves and tight jeans. His dirty blonde hair was slicked back in a gentle wave, like all he had to do was push it back effortlessly and it just magically stayed there. His table was right next to a window, so the sunlight set him aglow.

He was ridiculously perfect.

“Hey,” he said as he sat down in front of him.

Benji gave him a warm smile. “Hi.”

There were two coffee mugs on the table.

“Aw Benji! Did you?”

“Yeah.” He grinned sheepishly. “Caramel latte with two pumps of espresso, right?”

His cheeks flushed.

He remembered his order.

“Well, I mean,” Benji added quickly, “you always made yourself one inbetween shifts, so I figured you’d like one.”

Victor smiled so hard his face started to hurt. “Benji, this is so, so sweet.”

He laughed. “Well, if you thought this was great then you’ll be blown away by what else I can do.”

“Oh?” Victor quirked his eyebrows.

Flirting.

Flirting was a thing now.

“So about us,” Victor said, “Are we a thing now?”

“Yeah, I think so, but I don’t think it would be a good idea to make anything official until you break things off with Mia and you tell your parents.”

“Well I reached out to Mia to talk, but she hasn’t gotten back to me yet. She probably will.” He bit his lip. “As for my parents, well...”

“I get it,” Benji said, “They’re religious right?”

“Catholics.”

He winced. “That’s rough. I understand your hesitation, but I don’t want to risk going behind their back—”

“No it’s not that.” Simon’s words echoed in his head.  _ Have you ever opened up to him about some of the stuff you’re going through? _ “It’s just. My parents are separating.”

“Wow.” Benji blinked. “I’m so sorry. When did this happen?”

“Last night. My dad left this morning.”

A weight lifted in his chest. It felt good to talk about this with someone, to let a little bit of that pain seep out of his system.

“Are you okay?”

He shook his head. “No. I’m not okay. Not at all.”

A single tear rolled down his cheek. Public vulnerability wasn’t something Victor enjoyed. Kids at his old school would make fun of others for being, “crybabies,” or, “weak.” That kind of ridicule taught him very quickly to keep everything in check and save his emotions for the bedroom.

Benji took his hand. “Look at me.”

He looked into his soft, beautiful brown eyes.

“I know that you’re in a tough spot with your family — add religion on top of that. Coming out is not an easy process. It’s messy and sometimes painful. I don’t feel comfortable making things official or too serious until you’ve told them, but I completely understand you wanting to take this slow. You’re worth the wait, and I promise I’ll be there for you.”

“Benji you don’t have to wait for me. You can go out and see other people if you’re not willing to wait.”

“Nope.” He shook his head. “I want you.”

It took all his willpower not to full on ugly cry.

“I hope I deserve this.”

Benji squeezed his hand. “You do.”

“God I’m so sorry for starting this date off with my problems. Today was supposed to be fun.”

“Who says we still can’t have fun?”

He sipped his now-lukewarm coffee and smirked. “What did you have in mind?”

*****

Go Karting.

Victor had heard of couples that went to movie theaters on their first date. He’d heard of horror movie make-outs, restaurant mishaps, and parking lot blowjobs. Never had he heard of a couple going go karting for their first date. Of course that’s what Benji would do.

It’s Benji.

“I’ve really wanted to go to this place for the past few months, but I haven’t had the time to, and Derek always said no. We can go somewhere else if you’d like.”

“No,” he took his hand, “This is perfect.”

The facility was the size of a warehouse. A large, loopy race track occupied the majority of the floor space. They quickly checked and hopped into their cars. Newcomers had to take a fifteen minute tutorial before they were off to the races. Around and around they went. Victor laughed like a child every time he passed him, but he was quick to underestimate Benji’s prowess as a driver. For someone with a suspended license, he could rip it up.

Victor forgot about everything: Mia, his parents separating, Pilar’s anger, even the fact that his most trusted confidant would be gone for the better part of two weeks. Everything seemed to float away. Before he knew it, their hour was up, and they were at the doorstep of his apartment.

“This has been amazing,” Victor said as they reached his door, “You really got me those last few laps.”

Benji laughed. “Well, someone got a little too cocky.”

“I did not!”

“Did too.”

“Okay, well, maybe I did just a little bit.”

“Just a little.” Benji held his hand up, making a little gesture with his thumb and pointer finger for emphasis.

“So...I’ll see you at school?”

“Yeah, I guess I’ll see you then.”

He looked left, then right, then kissed him softly on the lips. Warmth spread from the tips of his lips all the way down to his toes.

“I’ll see you then,” he said breathlessly.

Victor watched him walk down the hallway and go down the stairs. He stood there in the hallway for a while, processing the events of the day. First, his dad left. Then his mom fell apart. Then Simon and his friends went M.I.A. And now he just came back from his first date with Benji.

In summary: it was a rollercoaster.

“I think I’m going to lie down,” Victor said to himself as he opened the door to his apartment.

Adrian was the first to notice him. “Mami Victor is home!”

“Hola mi amor.” Isabel kissed his head. “¿Cómo estás? Who were you out with?”

“I’m good.” He was more than good. He was practically buzzing. “Ah I just went go karting with Benji.”

“Go Karting? ¡Qué divertido! You’ll have to take us all there sometime soon, sí?”

“Definitely. I’m super tired though, so I’m going to lie down for a while.”

“Okay. Make sure to fold your laundry while you’re in there!” She called from down the hallway.

He shut the door and flopped onto his bed. A wave of exhaustion rolled over him as he pulled out his phone.

No new messages.

Victor checked his conversation with Mia.

**_Read_ ** _ 12:34 PM _

It was almost five.

Someone knocked on his door.

“Later!”

Pilar opened the door anyways. She sat down on the edge of his bed, not saying a word. Her face was expressionless. None of the anger that simmered in her eyes was even remotely there. Just a blank expression.

“Pilar, what’s wrong?”

She said nothing.

“Pilar?”

Pilar took a small breath and opened her mouth, but no words came out. She then pulled out her phone, scrolled through some websites, and then set it down next to him.

“What are you showing me?”

“Just look.”

“Okay. No need to be dramatic.” Victor gingerly picked it up, and everything froze.

It was a post on Creek Secrets — that shitty Tumblr page that Lake keeps talking about. The caption was: “Victor Salazar: A Cheating Salaslut.” It wasn’t that caption that wrecked him though; it was the picture.

A picture of him and Benji kissing at the Spring Fling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I posted the first two chapters for two reasons: 1) I wanted to establish the slight changes from the show early on. 2) I wanted to get the ball rolling on the plot. I can't wait to share the rest of the story with you. As of now, the current (tentative) posting schedule is Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. See you all in the next one! It's gonna be a doozy ;)


	3. Victor

After Pilar showed him the post, he excused himself for a walk, not giving his sister an ounce of explanation.

He needed to breathe.

_Victor Salazar: A Cheating Salaslut._

Of all the puns made with his last name, that was the worst.

_Salaslut._

He was no better than his mother.

_Slut._

_Slut._

_Slut._

The name echoed through his mind as he walked up and down the block, as he went to bed. For the entirety of Sunday, he shut himself in his room. Victor pulled the pillow over his head, trying to block out the noise. It didn’t work. He tried everything: blasting music, playing video games, hell, even reading.

_Slut._

It was the truth. He was a cheater; even if his intentions weren’t bad, he was still a cheater. A sinking feeling rose in his chest. His mom was a cheater too. Dear god...did it run in the family? Did her parents cheat? Would his kids be unfaithful too? Would Adrian or Pilar betray their significant others?

Pilar? Probably not. But who knew how Adrian would turn out.

“Victor!” Isabel knocked on the door, “Es el desayuno. Ven aquí o estás lavando los platos.”

“Can I eat it in here please?”

Isabel poked her head inside. “Why?”

“I’m really not feeling well.” He tried to make his voice sound raspy, and he coughed for good measure. “I think I caught a bug from the Go Kart place.”

“Okay. Just this once.”

“Gracias, Mami.”

Score.

She brought him a platter stacked with eggs, toast, and a fruit bowl.

“If I see any stains, you’re grounded for a week.” She pointed a finger at him accusingly.

“I promise I won’t stain anything.”

Isabel sat on the bed. Her gaze softened while she examined his face.

“Mijo, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he said quickly.

She stroked the side of his cheek. “You have such dark circles under your eyes. Did you get any sleep last night?”

“Mom, I’m fine. I just don’t feel well.”

“If something’s on your mind you can always tell me,” she encouraged, “I know everything that’s going on with the family must be a lot for you to deal with.”

“I’m fine.”

He held her gaze for a minute. Then she sighed, kissed him on the forehead, and left without another word.

Felix radioed him in the early afternoon.

“Dude, Lake just texted me a picture of the Creek Secrets post. Are you okay?”

“Felix I feel like shit.”

“I’m coming over.”

“N-no, you don’t have to.”

“Uhhhh, yes I am.”

He sighed. “Felix, please man, I just need to be alone today.”

“You saying that scares me.”

“I promise I’m not going to do anything.” He paused. “Have you heard from Mia? Has she seen it?”

Victor could hear Felix puff out his cheeks. “I have no idea. Lake hasn’t seen her since the Spring Fling, and she isn’t responding to any texts. Fingers crossed she’s on some kind of tech cleanse.”

So it wasn’t just him.

There was hope.

“Yeah...Fingers crossed.”

“Victor, is there anything I can do for you today to make you feel better?”

He shook his head. “I just want to be alone.”

Felix sighed. “Okay. I’m here for you man. See you tomorrow.”

“See you.”

Dread set in. Tomorrow he was going to have to face the reality of his actions. Everyone saw the things on Creek Secrets eventually — or at least the important stuff anyway. By Monday’s end, everyone would know about him and Benji. Whoever posted that didn’t just out their budding relationship — most people wouldn’t care about that. No. Whoever posted that outed _him_ to the entire school, and to make matters worse, he was now branded as unfaithful. To Mia Brooks of all people.

Mia. _Fucking._ Brooks.

The girl who everyone in the school knew about, from faculty to freshman. The girl that nobody could seem to interest. The girl who had immeasurable talent and smarts. The girl who chose Victor over every other guy. People at Creekwood would probably see him as this monumental fuck up. Like, “You had your shot with the hottest, most elusive chicks in school, and you blew it for the out gay kid.”

Great.

Just great.

Just before dinnertime, he got a text from Benji.

_Thinking of drawing a picture to commemorate our first date. I’m thinking either us talking to that funny-looking receptionist or you speeding around a curve. Which would you prefer? I think I know which one I like ;)_

He didn’t reply.

****

Felix walked with him to school the next day, eyes alert like an attack dog. Passerbys immediately zeroed in on them as they walked towards the front entrance. He could feel their stares on his back. Teenagers sucked, but this was a whole new level of suck.

Lake found them on their way to Victor’s locker.

“Hi cutie,” she said, kissing Felix on the cheek and lacing her fingers through his. She then glanced over at Victor. “Oh. Hi Victor.”

Her tone was distant.

“Hi Lake,” Victor grumbled.

Lake cleared her throat. “Felix, would you mind walking me to class. _Alone_?”

"Uh.” He glanced back and forth from them. “I really don’t think—”

“It’s fine man. I’ll see you at lunch.”

Victor walked away with his eyes to the floor. He trudged up the stairs, up to his first period english class. Part of him hoped that nobody would notice him if he made himself look small. Maybe if he hung his head low. Scrunched up his shoulders. It didn’t work. He still received glares as he walked towards the class. Each look filled his lungs with more weight. By the time he took his seat, he felt like he could barely breathe.

He got another message from Benji just as class started.

_Can we talk after school?_

Victor ignored it.

He couldn’t deal with that conversation right now.

Mr. Johnstone’s lecture was dull as usual. For that, Victor was grateful. It gave him plenty of time to reflect on what to do. First, he had to find Mia, apologize, and be done with it. No matter how much it hurt, he had to find her — if she was even at school. Victor made eye contact with the girl sitting two desks to his left. She shook her head microscopically, eyes squinted.

“Shame on you,” she seemed to say, “Shame on you.”

He looked away quickly, cheeks hot.

This was not a good day to be Victor Salazar.

The rest of the morning passed in a blur. Pre-Calculus and AP World History were like hazy dreams where the teachers talked like the adults do in Charlie Brown. He felt so dissociative that he neatly forgot the shame. Suddenly, it was twelve twenty, and the lunch bell was ringing. 

Victor floated down the stairs towards the cafeteria. Pilar made eye contact with him from the end of the lunch line. Her expression was blank — unreadable. It only fueled the guilt in his stomach. Debbie, the lunch lady, sounded like she was underwater as she asked him what he’d like. For that matter, everything sounded like it was underwater. White noise over white noise over white noise. He chose the salad and nothing more.

The cafeteria felt stuffy that afternoon, so he chose to eat outside.

Boy was that a mistake.

There she was, picking something out of the vending machine. She wore a black and white blouse, faded blue jeans, and lace-up boots. Her frizzy hair was pinned up in a bun. A few loose hairs stuck out at funny angles.

“Mia.”

She turned around and sighed. “What do you want?”

“I.” He swallowed. “I’m sorry about the Spring Fling.”

“Yeah, me too.”

She started to walk away.

“Wait no.” Victor grabbed her hand, and she yanked it away. “Mia, please, I didn’t mean to leave you like that. I wasn’t feeling well. My stomach got sick and I felt like I was going to throw up, so I went to the bathroom.”

Mia folded her arms. Her expression was dangerously calm, like one word could set off an explosion.

People started to watch them.

“I wanted to give you the time of your life, but I messed up,” Victor continued, “I can explain myself, but can we please do it elsewhere?”

“Apology Accepted. I don’t care. Bye!”

“Mia please, let me explain.”

“Explain what? There is nothing _to_ explain.”

Victor glanced over at a table of girls nearby. Was that one girl in blue laughing at him?

“Please, please just give me a chance to tell you about what’s been going on, but not here. I didn’t mean for any of it to happen: abandoning you, being distant, hurting you, Benji—”

“ _Benji_ ?” Mia raised her eyebrows. “What does _Benjamin Campbell_ have to do with you being a dick?”

“You-you mean you didn’t see it? On Creek Secrets?”

As if on cue, someone called, “Yo, back off Salaslut.”

Andrew Spencer strolled up to them with some of the basketball team spread out behind him.

Oh yeah, everyone was _definitely_ watching now.

“Andrew,” he hissed, “Please not now.”

“Hey hey buddy.” Andrew spread his hands. “We’re just trying to do a service for Ms. Brooks here that’s all. Wouldn’t want any toxic exes harassing a fine woman like her.”

“Yeah fag,” one of the boys added.

Ouch. That one cut right to the core.

“Please don’t call me that,” Victor said weakly.

“Oh come now, he was only teasing. And besides, it ain’t offensive if it’s true, right?”

He opened his mouth to reply, but no words came out.

“Andrew, what are you talking about?”

“Oh, you don’t know?”

Another guy took out his phone and showed her the post. Mia’s expression fell, eyes watering; mouth dropping slightly.

“Mia...”

“You kissed Benji?” She looked up at him indcredulously. “Is that why you left me all alone? To hook up with...with Benji?”

“I didn’t mean for it to happen that night.”

“No, of course you didn’t.” Mia brushed a tear from her cheek. “I’m sure you didn’t at all.”

Victor’s lips trembled.

“Was any of it real?”

“Yes it was! I was going to tell you—”

“When?” she demanded, “When were you planning on telling me that I was being strung along?”

“I wasn’t stringing you—”

“Of course you were Victor! You’re _GAY_! How could you possibly have real feelings for someone like me!? Was I just some fun experiment?! Is that it?!” she shouted, “You _knew_ that I was going through a hard time! You _knew_ that I was struggling with Veronica and my dad and the baby and everything in my world changing! But of course, that didn’t matter, and you went behind my back! God, I’m such an idiot! I fell for you thinking you were different. That you were genuine, caring, and sweet. That you just wanted to take things slow because you, I don’t know, respected me? Now I see that it was all a lie.”

“Mia, please.” Victor’s voice broke. “I’m sorry.”

Shaking her head, she choked out, "Goodbye Victor," turned around, and walked away.

Andrew smirked, and all the sadness inside him ignited. 

“Are you happy, now?”

“Happy about what?” he asked innocently.

He took the bait and lunged towards him. Felix appeared out of thin air, throwing his arm out to stop him.

“That’s enough.”

“Lone stone, nice to see ya!”

“Really, asswipe?” Felix narrowed his eyes. “You’re proud of what you’re doing? Putting this whole thing on display? Here I was thinking you were turning over a new leaf.”

“Again, we’re just trying to protect Mia and inform her about the truth.”

“Pathetic,” he spat, “Just like the cartoon bully you are. Come on Victor. Let’s go.”

Felix wrapped his arm around Victor, guiding him away from that awful public ridiculing event that was the last five minutes. Even as they left, he could still feel the holes of each stare as they smoked and stung against his skin.

He guided him down the hallway and into an empty classroom.

“What just happened?”

“She knows, Felix.” Victor gasped through sobs. “Everyone does...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I totally got emotional while writing this scene. Sometimes, the best moments when writing come when you feel every emotion the characters feel. That happened for me with this chapter. I'm confirming now that the upload schedule will be Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. Constructive criticism is always welcome! Thank you for your time. Sending all my love <3


	4. Victor

Victor quit the basketball team that afternoon. He hung back in his last class for a few minutes — asking his teacher for advice on the upcoming test to stall for time — and then made his way to the large gym after most of the crowds had passed. It was hard navigating the halls without looking up, but he’d rather accidentally run into a wall than make eye contact with one more person.

“Did you hear about what happened to Mia Brooks?” he overheard a senior girl say to her friend.

“That pretty sophomore everyone likes?”

“Yeah! Apparently the guy she was dating was cheating on her — turned out to be a total homo.”

Her friend winced. “That’s rough. I feel for her.”

Even the senior class was in the loop.

Yikes.

The gym was a little humid from the last P.E. class. Victor could still smell the ripeness of pubescent sweat as he trudged into Coach Ford’s office.

“Salazar! How wonderful to see you,” Coach Ford beamed, “What can I do for ya?”

“Uh, listen, Coach—”

“I already know.” He held up his hands. “I’ve been working ya two hard and ya need a break from all the hollering. I get it. I’ll go a little harder on Spencer tomorrow.”

He laughed weakly. “No, you’re fine…It’s just, I quit.”

Coach Ford paused, taking a second to register this. “You quit?”

“Something has come up with my family, and I-I don’t have the time to juggle school and basketball and my family—”

“You’re telling me this _right_ before the semi-finals this weekend?”

“I’m sorry Coach, I really am.”

He sucked in air through his teeth. “Are you absolutely sure you can’t make it work?”

“I’m positive,” he said quickly, “My grandma is super, super sick and we have to take shifts caring for her at the hospital.”

Total bullshit, but Ford seemed to buy it.

“We’re screwed without a point guard this weekend...I’ll have Andrew do it. I’m sure he’ll be eager to take up his old mantle again.”

_I’m sure he will_ , Victor thought.

“Take care of yourself this weekend, Salazar.”

“Bye Coach.”

“Oh and uh,” he called from his office, “You’re welcome to try out next year. I’ll be sure to leave a spot open for you.”

“Thanks.”

He left school in a hurry, doing everything he could to avoid social interaction. Even Felix didn’t matter at this point — though he was probably out with Lake. Benji called him on his way home, but Victor ignored it. He couldn’t stomach the possibility of Benji breaking things off with him. It was too painful the first time.

Isabel was helping Adrian with his homework when he arrived.

“¡Hola mi Amor! ¿Qué tal tu día?”

“Fine.” Victor darted into his room.

“Hey!” she called from the kitchen, “Barely even a, ‘Hello?’”

“Sorry, I have a lot of homework.”

He closed the door behind him and exhaled.

Just him and his room. No more weird looks from onlookers; no more fear about having another public ridiculing session; no more slurs. Just the peace and safety of his room. For a second, he felt untouchable, like a hermit secluded in the mountains.

“Hey Vic!” Isabel knocked on his door — persistent as usual. “I’m coming in, okay? I want to show you something.”

“Yeah whatever.” He fumbled for his backpack, making it look like he was starting homework as she stepped in.

“Check this out.” She held up a poster. “Victor is a VICTOR!!! We’re bringing this classic back for the big game!”

He forced a smile. “That’s great mom.”

“You don’t like it? Is it getting old?”

“No, it’s...it’s fine.”

It was getting hard to breathe.

Isabel knit her eyes together. “Victor,” she said, “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t think I can play this weekend.”

“¡Ay qué pena! Why not? It’s your second-to-last game of the season. Dad’s going to be there, and we invited your grandparents to watch via Skype.”

“Ms. Anderson has her AP World final all next week, and I have to have enough time to study for it or else I won’t do well.”

He wasn’t wrong.

There were finals next week for that class, and Ms. Anderson was a hard grader.

“I already told Coach I’m not doing it.”

She held up her palms. “Fine. I’ll update your abuelitos. Shame. I was looking forward to seeing Mia again too.”

Right, she didn’t know what was going on.

“I think she would have liked that too,” he lied.

Isabel closed the door, leaving him alone with a weight on his heart that seemed to drag him further and further down with each passing minute.

****

By some miracle, Victor was able to avoid most forms of social contact all week. He kept his head low to-and-from class, ate lunch by himself, and went home alone. After Monday, Felix became increasingly distant. First, it was hanging out with Lake at lunch. Then it was not walking with him to school. Then he stopped radioing during homework. Come the beginning of the following week, they weren’t even speaking. 

What was up with Felix?

Was Victor that radioactive?

Was he _that_ horrible that his own best friend would abandon him?

Each day, the weighty feeling slowly gave way to a newfound hollowness, like a black pit was growing inside of him. Less and less would he eat, and less and less would he turn in assignments. Everything was becoming too much: His parent’s separation, his breakup with Mia, and now his social isolation. And of course Simon was not there to help, though it was probably for the best. He wasn’t sure if Simon was capable of dealing with this.

On occasion, Victor would spot Benji in the halls chatting with a friend or walking to class. Anytime they’d make eye contact, he’d turn the other way and walk as fast as he could. He’d ignore every text, every call. It hurt, but the alternative?

He couldn’t even think about it.

On the Tuesday before Spring Break, his plans to avoid Benji at all costs came apart. 

He found a cozy spot under the bleachers to hide out during lunch. There was the occasional hookup or drug deal, but besides that, nobody came there. And so he ate. Unbothered. Victor was finally safe.

Until Benji found him that afternoon.

“Victor.”

He looked up to see Benji approaching him from across the lawn. Gorgeous hair swept back, eyes deep as the ocean. If the circumstances were different, he’d be begging him to take off that denim button down and let him feel every inch of his lean, muscular body. But here they were: the side piece and the pariah.

Shame crawled into his throat.

“Oh, hey Benji.” His voice was small.

“Can we talk, please?”

“Sure, I guess.”

He stood there in front of him.

“Are you doing okay?”

Victor almost laughed. Okay? Victor was anything _but_ okay. “No.”

He looked up. Benji’s eyes shone with concern.

“Did you—”

“Yeah.” He swallowed. “I saw it.”

“Did people give you shit for it?”

“Ehhh, a few, but the most attention I’ve gotten is sympathetic looks.”

Victor nodded.

At least he wasn’t an outcast. That was much better than the glare-fest he’d been getting for the past nine days. Part of him felt relieved that Benji was mostly unscathed; part of him resented the fact that he wasn’t being burned at the stake alongside him.

“Why are you avoiding me?”

Right to the point.

“Because I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

“Hurt me?” Benji scoffed, “Victor, you running away from me is hurting me more than any mean comment anyone could say about me.”

“Why?”

“Listen.” He placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. “I care about you, deeply...and seeing you alone and miserable makes my heart hurt. This isn’t your fault. Someone outed you — _us_ — and made it everyone’s business. Put that on top of your parents' separation...God Victor, I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now.”

“No,” he said bitterly, “You can’t.”

“I want to be there for you, and maybe this is a blessing in disguise. I mean, you’re out now. Maybe we can make it official—”

“Really?!” Victor snapped, “Fucking _really_ Benji? I can’t believe you right now. My whole life is coming undone, and you have the audacity to bring up a relationship?”

“I-I’m sorry.” He backed away. “You’re right. That was poorly timed.”

“Yeah it was!” Victor yelled. “You know what? This is all your fault!”

“What?”

“Yeah, if you hadn’t accepted my application at Brasstown, none of this would be happening! If you hadn’t come into my life, I’d be happily dating Mia and not stressing about this stupid gay thing! But every time I see you, I just want to melt! You’re beautiful and kind and patient and so, so wonderful and so frustrating.” His voice broke. “Everything was better before you came along. Why couldn’t you just have just stayed in the closet like the rest of us and made my life easier?”

Benji blinked. “Wow.”

Victor’s mouth fell open as waves of guilt washed over him. “Oh my god Benji, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it.” He started to back away. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. I get it. You’re under a lot of stress, and you’re not thinking clearly. It’s fine. Just come here and let me give you a hug.”

“No, stay away from me.”

“Victor.” Benji fought to keep his tone calm. “Victor, listen to me. I’m not mad — really I’m not.

“I...I can’t do this.”

“Please just listen to—”

“No! No,” he said softer, “Stay back. I’m too radioactive. I’m only going to hurt you.” Victor’s breaths became fast and short — cheeks hot, palms clammy. His face grew numb with each exhale.

“Please.”

“Stay. Away. From. Me.”

Victor turned and ran. He ran as fast as he could away from Benji, from school, from everything. If the administration wrote him a truancy letter, he didn’t care. He just wanted to put as much distance between him and that place as possible. Down the street he went. Left, right, left, left, right. Street corners flew by. He stopped behind Brasstown Blues. Placing his hands on his knees, Victor struggled to catch his breath, but he couldn’t.

Why couldn’t he catch his breath?

What was wrong with him.

He couldn’t breathe.

The world seized underneath him. His vision blurred. Victor braced one hand on the brick wall behind him.

He couldn’t breathe.

Instinctively, he clawed at the collar of his shirt. It felt like it was closing in on him. Was his own shirt trying to hurt him? Why was his shirt trying to hurt him? Did he wrong it too? What was wrong with him? Why was this happening?

He couldn’t breathe.

Victor slid down the wall and pressed his head in between his knees. His limbs shook with great force. His breaths were ragged and sharp. Thick, hot tears squeezed out from his eyes and streamed down his face.

“What’s wrong with me?” he asked aloud.

This was it.

He finally ruined everything. His relationship with Mia was destroyed, he was still in the closet to his family, he pushed Benji away, and on top of that he was now the pariah of Creekwood High. Victor Salazar: A Cheating Salaslut. Like Lone Stone before him, he will never be able to live it down. Everyone would remember him for what he did.

As he began to slow his breathing, a thought crept up on him.

Since he arrived in Atlanta, he’d done nothing but mess up. He’d hurt everyone around him. What was life like for everyone before he came? Mia, Lake, Felix. 

Benji...

All of them must have been happier. Their lives were probably less eventful, sure, but at least they didn’t have him around to mess things up. Mia would have probably found a better boyfriend. Lake wouldn’t have to deal with this drama. Felix wouldn’t have to feel burdened by him. Benji would still be blissfully dating Derek — or at least more-or-less content with his life.

And then there was Simon, who so desperately tries to make things easier and give sound counsel. Who knows what kind of emotional stress he was putting on him.

Victor took a deep breath.

Maybe if he was gone, things would go back to normal, and the people he cared about would go back to being happy. He was the fixer-upper after all. Maybe disappearing is what he needed to do to fix this mess.

Yeah, that was it.

Victor needed to disappear...for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes, we have finally arrived to the long awaited confrontation between Benji and Victor. Again, this was another scene I got emotional writing, so I hope you enjoy. Reminder that if you're ever feeling like how Victor is in this particular chapter — alone and isolated — know that there is always someone out there to help. Constructive criticism is welcome. As for what happens to Victor? Well, you're going to wait and see :))))


	5. Felix

Felix Weston was notorious for three things and three things only: his love of board games, “Lone Stone,” and the fact that he could sleep through anything. Most would say that’s a good quality, but if he passed out during a lecture, there was no hope. None. In seventh grade, his block teacher received a signed permission letter from his own mother to pour water on his head should he pass out in class. On that fateful day, the class held its breath. The teacher emptied a water bottle on him.

He didn’t even budge.

On the day Victor was harassed by Andrew and his chums, Felix managed to sleep through his computer science class — right through the lunch bell. Mr. Hansen shook him.

“Mr. Weston.”

“MMMMMMMHHHH!” he groaned in reply.

“Mr. Weston!” he repeated, firmer this time, “It’s lunch. I’m going to need you out of here. We’re trying to have a meeting, and your snoring is distracting.”

“What?” He blinked and looked up at the clock on the wall.

_ 12:45 _

Adrenaline shot through his body.

“Shit! I-I mean. Darn! I’m sorry, Mr. Hansen. Let me just pack up and go.”

Felix stuffed his notebook, laptop, and pencil bag into his backpack as fast as humanly possible and rushed out of the room, nearly tripping on a desk as he went. He had to find Victor. That post on Creek Secret could make any social situation he got into very ugly. There was no way he was going to leave him alone. Not today.

A poor freshman almost fell as Felix accidentally stepped on his laces on his way over to the Cafeteria. He burst through the doors. Scanning the room twice, he found no sign of Victor. Felix did see Pilar though.

“Pilar!”

Pilar looked up from her phone. She was tucked in her usual corner. Secluded from the others, Victor’s little sister found a safe place for her to watch YouTube without any disturbance from the other girls in her grade.

“What do you want?”

“Where’s Victor?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. Check outside.” 

“Thanks.”

He cursed himself. Victor was probably all alone out there. Who knew how shitty he must have felt with all the weird stares, abandoned by his best friend. Felix burst through the door to the courtyard. It didn’t take a genius to see there was commotion. All eyes were trained on a small group of teens at the far end. Andrew Spencer and some of his basketball friends were huddled around a screaming Mia Brooks. Except she wasn’t screaming at any of them. 

She was screaming at Victor.

Felix started over. His legs felt like they were moving through lead. A couple kids met his eyes as he approached; their expressions were a wide range of colors — from contempt to compassion to cringe. He needed to get Victor out of there.

“Happy about what?” Felix heard Andrew ask when he reached earshot.

Victor lunged for him, and it took all of Felix’s might to leap in front and stop him from getting to a fist fight.

“That’s enough.”

Andrew flashed him a sly smile. “Lone stone, nice to see ya!”

“Really, asswipe?” Felix narrowed his eyes. “You’re proud of what you’re doing? Putting this whole thing on display? Here I was thinking you were turning over a new leaf.”

“Again, we’re just trying to protect Mia and inform her about the truth.”

This fucking guy. 

There was something about the way he seemed to take everything just a little too lightly that made Felix want to bust his face open. Like everything was a joke to him. No accountability. That's how he got away with getting everyone to call him Lone Stone for years after all.

“Pathetic.” The venom in his voice burned. “Just like the cartoon bully you are. Come on Victor. Let’s go.”

He threw a glare over his shoulder as he lead a trembling Victor away. Andrew was still grinning as if he was doing nothing wrong. It made Felix’s blood boil. What was worse: nobody even bothered to stop it. No staff intervened; no students defended. Victor was left to fend for himself.

“What just happened?” He asked as he closed the door to an empty class room.

Victor just lost it. “She knows Felix. Everyone does.”

Felix wrapped his arms around him. His soul ached. He hated to see Victor like this. The whole world seemed to be against him, and all Felix could do is shield him as best he could. It was if he could hear the sound of Victor’s heart fall apart with each sob, each tear. They stood there for a while. Tears soaked their way through his thick, yellow hoodie. It didn’t matter. Stains could be washed away in time.

Broken hearts weren’t as easy a fix.

“What do you need from me right now?”

Victor wiped his cheeks. “I don’t think there is anything you can do.”

“No, there has to be something.”

“What can you do? I’ve been outed  _ and _ exposed. I lost my chance to tell Mia everything — hell, even Pilar knows.”

“How did she take it?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve just been avoiding her.”

“Dude, she’s your sister. You should be talking to her about this stuff.”

“I want to, but things at home are a mess.”

Felix raised an eyebrow.

He sighed. “My parents are separating. Dad moved out on Saturday.”

It took him a second to process this. On top of being outed, his family was falling apart.

“Jesus Christ… I really, really don’t even know what to say here.”

“That’s okay. It’s just...everything hurts so much right now.”

The bell ringed.

“Shit,” Felix hissed, “Okay. I’m going to walk you to your next class. You’re  _ not _ saying no to that.”

“Felix I—”

“Victor. No. We’re doing this.”

He opened the door, looking left and right before leaving with Victor in tow.

“I can’t face the team after school.”

Felix wrapped an arm around his shoulder. “Buddy, if you run away, they win. They’re your classic jock bullies straight out of an eighties movie. Make a comment about them being slightly feminine — some shit like that — and they fall apart. You can’t let Andrew get the best of you.”

Victor was quiet for a while.

“Look, I think you should stick the next two weeks out. You’ve only got a few practices and two games left.”

“Felix, I can’t take it. The thought of being ridiculed about something I’m so, so guilty about is unbearable.”

“Okay,” he sighed, “I support whatever decision you make. You know, if you want to come to D&D Night on Wednesday, you’re more than welcome too.

“D&D Night?” He asked as they stopped in front of Victor’s 5th period class.

Felix smiled sheepishly. “Yeah. Wendy invited me to start going after Spring Fling. They need a new Dungeon Master, and I just so happen to have all my mom’s old modules from when she was a kid. It’s only once a week. No pressure.”

“You’re so weird.”

“Excuse me.” He feigned mock offense. “My weirdness happens to be my most charming quality.”

“Uhuh, sure.”

Victor gave him a small smile.

“Ah there it is!”

“Shut up.”

“I made you smile. Mission accomplished.”

“I hate you.”

“Love you too!” he called back as Felix left him for his next class.

****

Lake found him outside his Comp Sci class the following day. She was leaning so casually back against the wall, AirPods in. God, she was just angelically beautiful. Her caramel hair fell behind her shoulders in perfect waves. She always smelled like cinnamon. Every outfit she wore was color coordinated with a careful eye. Today, it was a yellow flannel skirt and suit jacket over a white, frilly blouse.

“You look absolutely incredible today, darling.”

“Really? Aw thanks babe.” She kissed him on the cheek, sending a wave of warmth from his head to his toes. “I got my inspo from Cher.”

Felix scrunched his brows together.

“From Clueless?”  
He shook his head.

“Omg, how are you even my boyfriend?! You’ve like, never seen Clueless?”

“I guess I’m just more of a John Hughes guy.”

“Like The Breakfast Club?”

“Yes!”

“I LOVE THE BREAKFAST CLUB!”

“ME TOO!”

He offered her his arm, and she took it gladly.

“You, Ms. Merriwether, have immaculate taste.”

She giggled. “Well, Mr. Weston, if you like The Breakfast Club, you’ll definitely Clueless.”

“Want to come over and watch it with me this weekend?”

“You know I’d love that.”

They found a quiet spot next to a Willow tree on the edge of campus. Just as he instructed her last night, she brought a picnic blanket for them, and he brought peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

“This is  _ so _ cute!”

He blushed. “Thanks. I really wanted to make our first lunch date special.”

“Well, you have,” she punched him in the shoulder, “Hashtag killed it.” 

“Hashtag yes.”

Felix set out their meal: PB&J sandwiches, Oreos, and Sour Cream and Onion lays. The 

night before, Lake had insisted on the Lays. It reminded her of a summer camp she went to during her childhood. She took a bite and moaned.

“Oh Felix, this is so good!”

“Why thank you. It took me many years to perfect the art of PB&J.” He picked up a chip. “If you really want to try something crazy. Put the chip in between the slices like so, aaaaaand—”

He bit into the sandwich. The saltiness of the single chip blended with the savory peanut butter tasted amazing. It left a salty-sweet aftertaste too.

Lake’s mouth fell open. “Felix that’s so gross.”

“Come on, try it.”

“No.” She shook her head. “I’m not. Nope. Nope!”

“Tryyyyy it.”

“No! That’s like, troll food!”

“ _ Good _ troll food,” he corrected.

“Whatever! I’m just not doing that.”

“Suit yourself.” he took another crunchy bite.

Lake pursed her lips, watching him eat away at the delicacy.

“Fine.”

“I’m sorry.” He held cupped a hand next to his ear. “What did you say?”

“I said, ‘Fine!’”

Felix pumped his fist. She fished a chip out from the bag, placed it between the slices of bread, and took a bite. A smile crept up on his face as he watched her eyes light up.

“Oh...Oh wow.”

She took another bite. And then another.

“This is actually good. Like really good!”

“I  _ told _ you!”

She threw her head back laughing. “Who would have thought that this childish, experimental recipe would be legit better than the original.”

“If you want to make it better, try going for the plain flavor. No other flavors to inhibit the taste. Just pure salt and potato. Exquisite.” He did a little chef’s kiss.

“Noted.”

Her phone buzzed.

“Can I?”

“Go or it.”

Lake checked it and began type away. Felix was always mesmerized by the way her fingers flew across the keyboard. Her brows furrowed, and she stuck the tip of her tongue out. It was her concentration look. Somehow that made her all the more adorable to him.

When she finally set it down, she sighed. “Mia is a mess.”

His throat tightened. “So I’ve heard.”

“God, it’s just, I feel so bad for her. Getting left all alone during the dance all to find out that Victor was cheating on her with another guy? Ugh. This is just so messy. It’s a mess! It’s a mess.”

“Yeah, but you kinda have to cut Victor some slack.”

She looked at him incredulously. “He cheated, Felix. Doesn’t matter if he’s gay. He should have been honest.”

“I do think that it wasn’t cool of him,” he agreed, “But I mean, come on Lake. He’s got religious parents, and he must have had at least some doubts. Maybe dating Mia was a way for him to help figure things out, and knowing him, he probably would have told her. I have a feeling he was just trying to give her a good night before he came clean. Benji was an unplanned event along the way.” Felix was trying to not-so-subtly push for Victor’s side.

He was really pushing for it.

“That’s great and all, but he seriously should have still been honest about what he was going through.”

“Right, but I feel like you’re not being fair to him.”

“Felix, my best friend got her heart broken. Regardless of why, that’s not something I take lightly.”

There was a certain cold edge to her tone that made the hairs on his neck stand on end. A dreadful pit opened up in his stomach.

Could she have?

“Lake.”

“Felix?”

“You couldn’t have…”

“Couldn’t have what?” She was blinking fast; her lips were drawn tight.

“You didn’t...post that awful thing on Creek Secrets...did you?”

Her mouth dropped. “No! Why would you even ask me that?”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he apologized profusely.

“Yeah, ‘Sorry,’ is right.” Lake gazed out at the lawn. “Look, I know my obsession with that website is not good. I get it. I...I’m working on it,” she looked up at him, “But that doesn’t mean I would out someone — let alone my friend, even if they did something to hurt Mia. I would never do that. That’s just wrong.”

He placed a hand on her knee. “Thank you for being honest with me.”

“You’re welcome. And you’re right, I’m not being fair to Victor.” She sighed in exasperation. “God! This whole situation is so frustrating! On the one hand, I have Mia, my best friend, who has had her heart broken. On the other, I have Victor — who has been a mess on his coming out journey, but is honestly one of the sweetest, most real friends I’ve ever had. I just feel so torn, and I don’t know how to help anymore.”

Felix swallowed a lump in his throat.

He knew that feeling very well.

Lake nestled her head on his shoulder. “What am I going to do? What are  _ we _ going to do?”

What were they going to do?

“I don’t know Lake,” he said, stroking her hair, “I really don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! We've switched perspectives! Now you'll never know what happens to Victor MUAHAHAHAH! Just kidding. You'll see. Sending love to everyone <3


	6. Felix

Destroying the Archangel Calamitus was no easy task.

For the past three hours, Felix was guiding his D&D crew through a treacherous campaign. Full of twists and turns, everyone was on edge.

Wendy was the party leader.

A powerful mage of twenty levels, she took out the bulk of monsters Felix sent their way. Of course, the other members of their party held up well. There was Jonah the Elven Warrior, Alice the Halfling Ranger, and Trace the Dwarven Priest. As Dungeon Master, Felix had to strike a balance between challenging scenarios and keeping the party alive. A bead of sweat traced his cheek as Jonah rolled. One final blow. He had to get higher than eighteen on the 18-sided die.

Against the odds, he did it.

The Archangel was cut in half.

The party had succeeded.

“YES!” Jonah leapt to his feet, pumping his fist in the air.

The crew clapped as he took a bow.

“Wow, that was incredible my guy,” Felix said, “But you know, you should watch your ego. There might come a time when your roll isn’t quite as lucky.”

“Ah come now, Master Weston. There is more than enough ego to go around. We should really be thanking Trace. They kept us alive.”

Trace raised a shy hand. “Oh it was nothing,” they said.

“Can we get a round of applause for Felix? He was such an amazing DM!” Wendy commended.

It was then his turn to take a humble bow.

“Thank my mother, she never had the heart to throw away her collection.”

She never had the heart to throw  _ anything _ away.

Wendy glanced to the wall on the clock. “I’m gonna have to kick y’all out. We’ve been playing for about eight hours, and I need to study for that AP World final.”

“Nooooooo!” Alice groaned.

“Yesssssss! Now go. Fly fools!” Her impression of Gandalf was spot-on. 

Felix smiled to himself. For once in his life, he was able to break out of the Lone Stone prison and find like-minded individuals. Victor was truly great, but these people were on a whole new level.

“Hey, can I ask you something?” he asked Wendy in the doorway.

“Sure, what’s up?”

“How did you manage to keep your character alive for so long?”

She shrugged. “A combination of high rolls, smart saving, and pure luck. What can I say? I’m a natural.”

“Yeah,” he laughed, “I can totally see that. And I’m just so amazed at how you managed to get this group together. I had no idea people played D&D anymore, let alone in Shady Creek!”

“Me neither! We formed our little squad about a year ago, and our old DM moved away just before Spring Fling. So yeah. Thank god I asked you out to the dance, right?”  
“Thank whatever omnipotent being watches over us for your intuition!”

They laughed together, and for a moment, Felix felt a weight fall off his chest.

“Seriously though, I’m really glad you did this for me. I’ve been so stressed with everything going on, and having you help me take my mind off of things has been a massive help.”

“Oh yeah.” Wendy winced. “How is everything going with my favorite disaster gay?”

“Ehhhh, I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? Aren’t y’all supposed to be attached at the hip or something like that?”

He sighed. “Not right now. Things are rough.”

Concern knotted its way into her eyebrows. “Okay, talk me through what’s happening.”

“Ah no Wendy. I don’t really want to burden you.”

“You’re not burdening me.” She folded her arms. “Talk to me.”

“Okay...So Mia and Victor got into a nasty screaming match—well, Mia screamed at Victor. Victor just kinda stood there all sad looking—”

“Get to the point.” She snapped her fingers with each word.

“Okay okay. The whole situation is incredibly stressful for Lake, and she wants to remain neutral—you know, to exercise better social habits and stay out of drama. She wants me to try and be impartial with her out of solidarity.”

“As you do.”

“Right, but in the process of doing that, both of us ended up staying away from Mia and Victor entirely. She hasn’t really talked to Mia, and I haven’t spoken to him in several days.”

“Okay.”

She pressed her lips together.

“Yeah…”

“Felix. I know that you’re trying to be nice to your girlfriend or whatever, but how you’re going about it is not good.”

“I know. It’s bad.”

“Yeah, bad is an understatement.” Wendy pushed up her glasses. “If I may speak freely, you should be allowed to be independent in a relationship. It’s okay if you make some decisions together, but things like friendships should not intersect with your relationship.”

He nodded.

“Lake has every right to be impartial.  _ That _ should not influence your decision to be there for your best friend. He needs you right now.”

“You’re right—”

“Dude, he’s in my AP World class. Have you seen him recently? He looks like absolute shit.”

Guilt festered in his chest. In Victor’s time of need, Felix had managed to do the exact opposite thing he should have done. Instead of comforting and protecting, he flaked.

“Okay. Yeah, I’ll reach out.”

She punched his arm affectionately. “Go do that Master Weston.”

“Thank you for your sage wisdom, Mistress Wendy.”

“Same time next week?”

“You know I’ll be there.”

Wendy closed the door behind him, leaving Felix Weston out in the crispy night air. Her street was dead quiet. If one listened closely, they could hear the rush of late night traffic just half a mile away.

He pulled out his phone and texted Victor.

  
_ Hey man, I know things have been weird between us. I promise I’ll explain it. Can you come over tomorrow night? Let me know. No pressure. Love you man. _


	7. Felix

He flipped the light switch next to the front door.

“Ah, here we are. Home sweet home.”

Silence hung in reply.

“Yup. Just another day back in the Weston home.”

Felix dropped his backpack next to the door. The weight falling off his shoulders sent a wave of lightness through his body. Everything was just as it was before. There were still piles of books, boxes, sheets and the like scattered around his apartment. Still heaps of clothes on top of the washing machine that his mother never touched. Still the stench of dirty dishes lingering in the air. 

It wasn’t much, but it was the only home he knew.

A desperate urge twisted in his stomach.

Victor was coming over in about ten minutes. He’d never seen Felix’s home before which meant that he would be revealing the truth of his home life to his best friend for the first time...ever. Part of him wanted to make some flaccid attempt at cleaning. Put the pieces of his broken life in line for Victor.

No.

This was his life. He needed to own it.

A gentle knock came from the door behind him, and he almost leapt out of his seat. Of course Victor was early. That was Victor’s way.

“Welcome!” He did a dramatic bow in the doorway. “To the humble Weston Abode!”

Hands in his pockets, Victor offered him a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“Hi Felix.”  
He gestured to him to enter. As he closed the door behind him, Felix forced the nausea and guilt in his throat down. Wendy was right: Victor looked like shit. His hair was disheveled. The dark circles under his eyes looked almost pitch black. Cheeks hollow, eyes low to the floor, shoulders slumped forward, it felt as though the lightest touch would cause him to collapse.

Another pang of guilt beat in his chest.

“So.” He looped his fingers through his pockets. “This is my place.”

Victor nodded. “It’s so—”

“Messy?”

“Well, yeah.” Victor picked up a magazine from a large stack next to a bookshelf overflowing with more magazines. “Jesus, this one’s from two thousand eight.”

“What can I say? My mom is quite the — er — collector.”

He turned to him. “Your mom is a hoarder?”

“Was it not obvious?”

Victor laughed weakly.

“So yeah this is my life.”

“Felix, why didn’t you tell me?”

Felix walked over to the couch, pushed off a load of dirty laundry, and flopped onto it. “I guess I just didn’t really want people knowing the details of my personal life, you know?”

“Yeah but, I’m your best friend. I would never judge you for it.”

He shrugged. “I just never felt like it was something worth bringing up. It’s already embarrassing enough. At Creekwood, people are generally wealthy. I already stick out like a sore thumb — what with my ratty shirts and thrift store sneakers.”

Victor sat next to him. “I know that, but you should have at least told me. My family would have been more than willing to help.”

“I know that, and I’m grateful. I guess...I just wanted to keep it to myself because I didn’t want to feel like a burden.”

“You’re  _ far _ from a burden.”

“I also know that, but that doesn’t mean my brain thinks the opposite. I’m afraid that my problems would push you away. I would hate that feeling.”

Victor scoffed coldly. “Oh, I know  _ that _ feeling.”

The ice in his voice cut deep.

“And what is that supposed to mean?”

“You want to tell me why you’ve asked me over?” Victor turned on him.  
“Look man, I just wanted to explain to you what’s been happening over on my end and why I’ve been so distant.”

He was silent.

Felix took a deep breath. “So Lake and I had a talk, and we both felt it was best to remain neutral between you and Mia. Neither of us knew how to go about it, so we both gradually pulled away from you two so that we could minimize any drama and make life harder for both of you.”

“That’s your excuse for abandoning me?”

“It’s no excuse. It was wrong and I should have been there with you through the entire ordeal.”

“But you weren’t.”

“I know, and I’m really, really, really sorry man.” A lump formed in the back of his throat. He swallowed hard. “I’m so sorry Victor.”

“Do you have any idea what my life has been like in the last week or so?”

“No—”

“Did you know that people have been putting notes in my locker?”

Felix’s mouth dropped.

“Yeah. Everywhere I go, every other person is either glaring at me or looks the other way — or at least it feels like that. Someone even figured out which desks I sat at and etched, “Salaslut,” into the side.”

“Jesus.”

“Oh yeah, and of course I’ve now scared away Benji, who probably hates me. Mia  _ definitely _ hates me. You and Lake are playing hookie, and Simon is MIA.”

“Simon? Who the fuck is Simon?”

Victor waved his hand dismissively. “Simon Spier. My gay sherpa.”

“Wait, you're  _ friends _ with  _ The _ Simon Spier?”

“We’ve been talking since I first moved here. Again: my gay sherpa.”

Felix blinked. “So Simon knew about you being gay. Before me?”

He shrugged. “He knows about everything: from start to finish.”

“Why...” He forced the lump back down his throat. “I’m your best friend. If this has been something you’ve been struggling with this whole time, why didn’t you just tell me?”

“I don’t know. Why didn’t you tell me about your mom?” Victor shot back.

“Oh so we’re being petty about this now?”

“I guess we are.”

His expression soured. “I don’t like this side of you.”

“I don’t like the fact that you abandoned me.”

“Again, I’m sorry!”

“You know what Felix.” Victor stood up. “I get it. I really do.”

“What is there to get!?” he asked, wringing his hands in the air.

“I get it. You act like you’re chill with me being gay, but the moment it all becomes too real you push away. I mean, that’s why you made that comment about me hanging out with Benji when we first met him, right? ‘Don’t want people getting the wrong idea.’” Victor made air quotes around the phrase.

Appalled.

Felix was just...appalled.

“Victor,” he whispered, “I  _ love _ you for who you are. That comment was made in gest. I didn't mean anything by it!”

Victor raised a hand. “I don’t want to hear it.”

“Please Victor. Can we  _ please _ talk about this?”

“No,” he said, turning around, “I don’t think we can.”

Felix watched him walk to the front door in silence. He was slipping. He was losing his opportunity. He had to do something. Anything.

“Victor, please.”

Victor pressed his head to the door.

“We can work this out. Don’t be angry with me.”

He laughed weakly. “I’m not angry, Felix.”

Silence hung in the air between them — thick, heavy, and dark.

“I’m just disappointed.”

And with that, he closed the door, leaving Felix all alone with the agonizing shame.


	8. Felix

A deep pit of dread opened in his chest as Felix rolled out of bed the next day. A deep pit of dread that reminded him that he was on the rocks with his best friend, and that he was probably going to get pushed away again if he tried to reach out. It ached, growing larger with each movement. He dreamed of wailing — a woman wailing — and the sounds of an ambulance. Of hysteria and shock.

A shiver ran down his spine.

Shame gnawed on his insides.

Did all guilty people have nightmares?

As he slumped on over to his mirror, Felix took the time to examine his reflection. Hair lopsided, eyes bloodshot, frown deep; the stress of a long school year had seemed to catch up with him. Spring Break was just a day away.

One more push.

He grabbed himself a granola bar and pack of Pop-Tarts, stuffed them into his backpack, and rushed out the door. On normal days, Victor would wait for him, but normal seemed like forever ago. And so it went, him walking to Creekwood High all alone. Gentle spring wind caressed his cheek as he walked. The grass crunched beneath his feet. If he didn’t feel like such shit, he might have thought of the morning as beautiful.

His phone started buzzing.

“Yellow! This is Felix!”

“Hi baaaabe!”

“Hiiiii!” Felix’s heart did a little dance. “Good Morning, Love bug.”

She giggled. “Hey, I got to school early, and I wanted to know if you’d like to hang out for a little while before class starts.”

“I’d  _ more _ than love that.”

“Fantastic! I will see you there.”

“Great. See you then.”

He put down his phone, turning onto the block where Creekwood resided. Willows lining the sidewalk made a chorus of rustling as the wind blew long. Felix closed his eyes. For a brief minute, the dread in his stomach subsided. All was calm.

“Felix!”

Then the calm dissolved.

Lake waved at him from a table by the front entrance. “Tappity tap tap!” his heart went as it did a little dance. In the morning light, the golden sun cast a halo upon her. Caramel hair aglow, eyes sparkling, he could have got lost in her eyes forever.

“Why hello there, my dangerous darling.” He kissed her on her forehead. “Did you have a lovely evening yesterday?”

“I did! I went out and got my acrylics done for our date this weekend.” Lake held out her hand, wagging her fingers for emphasis. Her nails were now long, blue, and coated in rhinestones. “I’m still curious about where you plan on taking us.”

“My dear, tis’ a surprise.”

“Oh?”

“Why yes. I promise, you will like it.”

“I’m really looking forward to it!” She gave him a warm smile. “So how was  _ your _ evening?”

He winced. “Honestly, not great.”

“Awww why?”

Felix bit his lip. “I talked to Victor.”

“Oh no. What happened?”

“Lake, it’s not good. I think...I think I really hurt him — like, really badly.”

She tilted her head. “How so?”

“We distanced ourselves to try and minimize drama and all that stuff right?”

“Right.”

“Well, I think that was not the best course of action, at all. Victor has been getting harassed by people, and nobody — as far as I know — was there to protect him or take care of him the past week or so. Everything, and I mean everything, has been falling apart for him. We’re his friends for crying out loud! We should have been there for him.”

Lake pursed her lips.

“And just think about how Mia is holding up. She probably feels bad that you’re not talking to her. We should have been trying to support our friends  _ while _ remaining impartial.”

“You know what? You’re right,” she said, “I was so stupid for thinking that distancing ourselves from Victor and Mia would make things better. And even if I still chose to do it, I shouldn’t have asked you to do it with me. That’s not fair. Victor is your best friend, and I shouldn’t be getting in the way of that.”

“Wow. That was very introspective of you.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve been feeling really guilty about it. I just hate seeing Mia or Victor walking around school looking miserable. The Creek Secrets posts about both of them aren’t super flattering either.”

“So, we’re in agreement.”

Lake took his hand. “Yes. I’m sorry for making such a foolish decision and roping you in, and we need to go and find our friends and be supportive. Hell, we should even encourage them to talk.”

“Ms. Merriwether, that’s a brilliant plan.”

They got up from the table, hands still intertwined. Just as they passed through the front doors, the first bell rang.

“Do you know where Mia is?”

“Probably by her locker, right?”

“Let’s go find her and see what we can do.”

Lake took the lead. They waded through crowds of students with purpose. The two of them had a mission: make amends, fix broken bridges. As they turned onto the hallway with their lockers, his eyes caught on Mia.

“There.” He pointed.

“Oh...oh honey.”

Mia’s hair stuck out at strange angles — it was as though a hurricane blew across her head and left the strands of her hair in a great big mess. Her eyes were bloodshot and glassy. She was not wearing her usual, cute, put-together look. In its stead, she was dressed in a baggy shirt and sweatpants. Shoulders slumped forward, a shadow rested across her face.

Hollow.

Empty.

“Mia?” Lake placed a hand on her shoulder. “Mia baby, what’s wrong?”

She blinked.

“Mia? Talk to me. What happened?”

“I got a call last night...from Victor’s mom.”

The pit of dread ripped wide on open again in Felix’s stomach.

“What did she say?” Her tone was calm and even.

“Victor is in the hospital.”

From below him, the world seized. Felix braced himself against the locker next to him.

“What?”

“I don’t know how, but Victor tried to hurt himself last night. Isabel called me in tears, and she asked me to come join them. It was at like, one in the morning. The whole family is a wreck.”

Lake covered her mouth, tears welling in her eyes.

So that wasn’t a nightmare.

By some cruel twist of fate, the sounds of sirens and crying from the floor above warped its way into his dreams. Maybe if he had fought through it, beared down and made use of himself, he could have been there for Victor. But that’s what Felix did. When he was out, he was out. He slept through his friend’s suicide attempt. Maybe if things had gone differently. If only he tried a little harder to speak reason. If only he made a point to follow him home. If only he knew from that shattered look in his eyes.

Felix Weston was notorious for three things and three things only: his love of board games, “Lone Stone,” and the fact that he could sleep through anything. And when the moment counted, his own cowardice and tendency to sleep brought him down.

Some best friend he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI!!!! Sorry I didn't post for the entirety of last week. I've had a crazy busy schedule and I didn't have time to meet my posting deadlines, so I figured I'd put out the rest of part 2 of NTOE today. I will most likely be sticking back to the uploading schedule, but this next week maybe be a little hectic as well. Fingers crossed I can meet those deadlines. Sending love during this crazy, crazy time <3.


	9. Mia

The call came at half-past one in the morning.

First the ringtone, then the intense pulsing of the phone, and finally the brightening of the screen pulled her out of her slumber. Mia groaned, pulling her head off of Andrew’s bare chest.

“What is it?”

“Lemme…” She felt around for the phone. Everything was too blurry. “Where?”

“Here, it’s yours.”

Andrew passed her the phone.

Mia put her phone up to her ear. “Hello?”

“¡Ay, gracias a Dios! Mia, you need to come down to the hospital.” 

It was Victor’s mom.

“What?” She sat up.

“It’s Victor. Something happened.” Isabel’s voice broke. “He,” she sobbed, “I just need you to come down here.”

“I’m coming, Mrs. Salazar.”

She put down the phone in absolute shock. This couldn’t be right. It was just a nightmare — after all, it was the middle of the night. Her guilty conscious was just playing tricks on her.

But then she remembered: a broken expression, eyes cast to the floor, and sunken cheeks.

Victor... 

“What happened? Is everything okay?”

Mia pressed the palms of her hands to her eyes.

“Hey.” Andrew shifted over to her. “What’s wrong?”

“That was Victor’s mom,” she barely whispered, “He’s in the hospital.”

Andrew was silent.

“I need.” She rolled out of bed. “I need to get over there. I need to,” her voice broke, “I need to.”

“Mia. It’s okay. Shhhh.” he wrapped his arms around her. “You don’t have to go over. I’m sure they’d understand if you didn’t go.”

“NO!” Mia pushed him off. “Sorry. I mean, no, I have to go down there.”

Even in the dark, she could still make out the outline of his pursed lips. “Okay. I’ll drive you down to Shady Creek General.”

Mia rushed over to the light switch and flipped it. The glare of the light made her vision blur. It was far too early for this, but emergencies were emergencies. She threw on a forest green, tie-dye shirt and baggy sweatpants. In the mirror’s reflection, she could see Andrew sliding on a shirt, covering his rich, muscular back. Infatuation prickled inside her.

“Hey.”

“Yes?”

“Thank you for staying over last night.”

He smiled. “Of course. Wouldn’t want to leave you all alone in this  _ massive _ house now would we?”

“You’ve been great to me for the last week…” She trailed off as her phone buzzed again. It was a message from Pilar. “But we need to go. Now.”

They ran down to Andrew’s car. She didn’t even have time to put on her seatbelt as he gunned the car out of the driveway and down the street. Street lights flashed on by. Mia’s heart raced. She brought her knees up to her chest, lip quavering. Each time the car swung around a street corner, she rolled back and forth on her ass. Unsteady. Andrews eyes were locked on the road ahead. His whole body was angled forward as if he was leaning into the speed of the car like his life depended on it.

As they pulled into the lot, Mia leapt out of the car — not even waiting for it to stop.

“I’ll see you tomorrow!” she called over her shoulder. An intense desperation festered in her chest. The emergency room was just yards away, yet her legs felt like lead. Mia fought through fatigue, drawing nearer to the doors.

Pilar and Isabel were in the waiting room when she entered. Isabel had her head in between her hands, grabbing fistfuls of her hair. Pilar just sat there, expressionless. Mascara stains traced the outlines of her cheeks.

“Isabel!”

She looked up and sobbed. “Mia! ¡Amor!”

Mia embraced her. In her arms, she felt as fragile as china. One drop and she’d explode all over the floor in a shower of porcelain.

“How is he? What happened?”

“I don’t know.” Isabel wiped her eyes. “I heard a loud thud from the bathroom about an hour ago. Pilar found him, and I—” she swallowed, “We brought him down as fast as we could. He’s been in there for a while, and I’m so worried. I don’t want to lose my baby, Mia. Please don’t let me lose my son. I can’t lose my Victor.”

Mia took her back into her arms. “Where’s Adrian?”

“Papi is with him back at the house,” Pilar said.

“Are they?”

“Adrian is fine. He’s too young to understand. I thank our father in heaven it wasn’t him who found Victor. The effect that would have…”

“I couldn’t imagine.” Mia rubbed her back.

“It was horrible.”

Mia guided Isabel back to her seat and joined Pilar.

“He just looked so lifeless, but weirdly at peace. It was like...all the pain he seemed to be feeling vanished.”

“Why? Why? Why?” Isabel shook her head. “Why did he do it? Mia, you’re his novia. Do you have any ideas?”

Mia bit her lip. “Uh, about that.”

“Wait, Mami you don’t know?” Pilar sighed. 

“Know what?”

“Victor and I broke up.”

Isabel’s eyes widened. “Oh.”

“Yeah...it was after spring fling. Something happened, and we had a really nasty break up. I said...I said some things I shouldn’t have.”

She nodded slowly. “Okay. What exactly happened between you two?”

“He—” She stopped herself. If she told Isabel everything, she’d out Victor. Based on her response, she probably had no idea about the post, nor did Pilar tell her. “I want to tell you, but I really think it’s Victor’s story to tell because...reasons.”

Isabel raised an eyebrow. “Because, ‘ _Reasons_?’”

“Mami, it’s not Mia’s place to tell you,” Pilar interjected, “Seriously.”

“Oh, so you knew about this?”

“I — yeah, I did. But I couldn’t tell you because.” She twisted her mouth.

“Because  _ what _ ?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“ _ Why ?  Not _ _?_ ”

“Because I just can’t mom! Okay!?”

Isabel pressed her lips together in a tight, small line. “Perdóneme.” She got up quickly and walked outside.

Pilar sighed in exasperation. “Fucking hell!”

“Hey.” Mia placed a hand on her shoulder. “You’re in the right to not tell her about Victor being gay. It’s not our place.”

“Yes, but I want to tell her so, so bad. It'll help her understand."  


“I can’t believe he didn’t tell her about us breaking up.”

Pilar scoffed. “Mami  _ loved _ you and Victor together. Like, she was so happy and excited that he finally got a girlfriend. She did the whole hypothetical grandbaby thing and everything. I think she would have been more devastated than you were.” Her lip began to tremble. “It was so hard watching him these past few weeks. Victor wouldn’t talk to any of us. He’d wake up late, grab breakfast at the last second — or not at all — and go to school alone. Like, he wouldn’t even wait for me. When he was at papi’s apartment, he just shut himself in the guest room the whole time.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s like the world decided to come down on him — your break up, our parent’s splitting, the post.”

“God. I’m going to  _ kill _ whoever posted that,” Mia growled.

“Me too.” Pilar wiped her cheeks. “The worst thing was losing him. I wanted him to open up, but he wouldn’t even look at me. Every time I’d try to talk to him, he’d leave the room — make up some shitty excuse. My friend Nora said I should give him space and let him come to me, but now I’m starting to think I should have tried harder.”

“I shouldn’t have yelled at him.”

Pilar shook her head. “No, he deserved it. He definitely deserved it, but I think the two of you should have talked it out afterwards.”

“I...I wanted to, but I just felt so bad looking at him that I was afraid anything I said would make him worse.”

“I don’t think it was possible to make him worse.”

“What do you mean?”

“Did you see the notes?”

“What notes?”

She shifted her body to face Mia. “People on the basketball team have been stuffing mean notes in his locker.”

“What!?”

“Yeah. I don’t know who, but I saw one of them do it earlier this week.”

“Did Andrew do it?”

“Who’s Andrew?”

“Never mind.” She waved her hand. “It doesn’t matter. Well,  _ that _ does. Who did it doesn’t. Was it reported? Did he come forward?”

“I did, but I’m not sure anyone did anything about it. At least, if someone did, it wasn’t enough because our parents weren’t involved at all.”

“Do you think Victor told them not to involve them?”

“I wouldn’t be surprised. If they knew he was gay...I mean, I’m almost sure papi would lose his fucking mind. I’m not sure about mami.”

As if on cue, Isabel burst back through the doors.

They both stood up.

“What happened?!”

“He’s awake. He’s okay.”

Relief flooded her veins. “Oh thank god.”

“It is a miracle. They’ll be transferring him out of ICU into a psych ward until he’s ready to be discharged. As of now, only his family can see him.”

Mia nodded. “Isabel...I—”

“Shhhh. No es tu culpa. It’s okay.” She placed her hands on her shoulders. “You need to go home now. Get some rest.”

“Are you sure you don’t need me to stay?”

“I’m positive.”

She shifted her weight side to side. “You’re not mad at me, are you?”

Isabel sighed. “Of course not. This sounds like it’s more Victor’s problems than you. Do not blame yourself.”

Too late.

“Okay, I’ll try not to.”

“Good. Now, go home and rest. I’ll keep you posted on how he’s doing, okay?”

“Thank you, Isabel. Could...could you please tell him I was here?”

“Oh no.” Pilar sucked in air through her teeth. “That would be a bad idea. It might trigger something or make him upset.”

“I agree. He’s too fragile now. Give him some space, but I’m sure you two will talk things out in time.”

She sighed. “Okay. I understand.”

“Good night, Mia. Take care of yourself.”

“I will. You two as well.”

She turned and left, walking home alone in the dark.


	10. Mia

Lana Del Rey’s “The greatest” throbbed through her speaker as she stared at the sheet of paper in front of her. Strokes of lead dashed across the page. For her art class, Mia had to sketch out something abstract — something that represented what she was feeling in the moment. Of course her hippy-dippy teacher would ask his students to do that. Mr. Doyle was _out there_. He didn’t even have his heads in the clouds; he was in an entirely different dimension.

Mia squinted at the lines. How on earth was someone supposed to represent a feeling with nothing concrete? No symbolism or clear ideas? It would be so easier to represent her emotions through something like Icarus. Someone who flew too close to the sun, and now they are on their way to the ocean floor.

“And I’m facing,” Lana crooned, “The greatest loss of them all.”

Losing Victor ripped a bit of her soul out. A devastating loss.

A knock came from the door.

“Come in.”

Veronica popped her head in. “Hey! You coming down for dinner?”

“Oh shit.” She shielded her eyes with her hand, as if warding off a bright light. “I forgot about dinner. I’m sorry.”

“No worries. I can see you’re engrossed in…” Veronica craned her neck. “What are you working on, again?”

“Ugh, it’s some dumb assignment for my art class. We have to draw something abstract that represents whatever emotion we’re feeling.”

She winced. “That sounds rough.”

“It’s not my favorite thing. I just...I don’t understand how to show my feelings. I just want to scribble all over this page.”

“Is that how you’re feeling?”

“Intensely scribbling?”

“Yeah, stressed.”

“I don’t know.” Mia sighed. “I just feel empty.”

“I heard about what happened to Victor. I don’t even know what to say.”

“Well, there _isn’t_ too much to say.”

Veronica joined her on the edge of her bed.

“Mia, I have a question.”

“What?”

Veronica took a moment, as if carefully considering her next words. “Remember how upset you were the night you came home from Spring Fling, and then you found out why Victor did what he did?”

“Yeah,” she scoffed.

“Did it ever occur to you that he probably was going to tell you?”

“I mean…” Mia trailed off.

“I can’t make many assumptions about Victor — I mean, I’ve only met him once — but based on what I’ve seen, I really don’t think he’s the kind of person who would go behind your back, at least not intentionally.”

“So you’re saying Benji, the guy he ditched me for, roped him in?”

She shook her head. “Oh no. God no. I’m saying that the situation had to have been more complicated on his end than not.”

“He _did_ try to hurt himself.”

“Exactly, and usually people who are in that impulsive state of mind have a lot more going on behind the scenes than most.”

Mia bit her lip. “God, now I feel like such a horrible person.”

“Don’t. His actions are not your fault. Offer yourself some compassion, and when the time is right, give Victor grace.”

“How will I know?”

Veronica placed a gentle hand on her knee. “You just will. Trust your woman’s intuition.”

Mia laughed.

“I’m serious! It’s one of our many gifts that men seem to take for granted.”

“Ain’t that the truth.”

She got up. “Well, I’m going to head downstairs. Those pizza rolls aren’t going to eat themselves.”

“Okay, thank you Veronica.”

“You’re welcome.”

As she closed the door, Mia added, “You’re really wise.”

“Psh, I’m not wise. I just have a lot of life experience.”

“Well, your experience is invaluable.”

She did a little curtsey. “Thank you, thank you. Oh, and Mia.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s spring break now. You can work on that project later. Go take a bath, relax, listen to more Lana Del Rey. You don’t have to work on that silly project now.”

“Wait, you know Lana?”

She smiled mischievously. “Born to Die was the soundtrack to my Grad School years. Literally.”

“Wow, I had now idea.”

“There’s a lot to me that you’ve yet to know,” she said, winking as she closed her door.

Mia sat there in the quiet between music tracks. A moment of stillness after a hurricane day. It was as if she was standing in the rubble of a house, and the clouds had stopped showering rain and lightning upon the world.

Stillness.

Then the next track began to play.

Out from silence, the swelling strings of “Norman fucking Rockwell” began to play. She closed her eyes, letting the sound engulf her.

“Goddamn man child. You fucked me so good that I almost said, ‘I love you.’”

Lana’s voice was so angelic, so sure of itself.

Mia laid back on her bed. As the track progressed, she pictured herself just floating away to some higher plane of existence. She let the beauty of the track wrap her in warmth, and for a moment, sunlight cracked through the clouds of her personal storm.

In that moment, she knew what she needed to do.

Mia took out her laptop, clicking onto Creek Secrets. She scrolled around until she found the moderator’s profile.

“Hi,” she wrote in the DM, “Can you take down this post? It violates community guidelines and has caused the parties involved direct harm. Thanks.” Mia linked the post to a message for good measure.

When she checked back the next day, the post was gone.


	11. Mia

She stared at the cup of coffee in front of her. The little swirls of heavy cream blended with the beige liquid in a soft gradient.

Day four of spring break.

Mia took out her sketch pad and began sketching the outlines of the cup, shading in the shadows as she went. Lost in the art, she didn’t notice someone staring over her shoulder.

“That looks so pretty.”

She jumped, nearly spilling the coffee.

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry for scaring you!”

“It’s fine.” Mia took a breath to compose herself. “Thank you.”

“Hey, it’s good for us fellow artists to compliment one another, right? Especially since we get so much criticism.”

Mia laughed. “Yeah, we really do.”

The young woman was a bit taller than Mia. Her long, wavy brown hair rested across her shoulders in even waterfalls. A diamond stud poked out from the left side of her nose. Eyes green. She wore a simple outfit: a forest green beanie, UGA sweater, and paint splattered jeans. Slung over her shoulder was a grungy messenger bag, its art contents nearly spilling out from the seams.

“Mind if I sit over there?” She pointed to the table next to her.

“Oh please, you can sit wherever!”

“Thanks.”

“I’m Mia by the way.”

“Nice to meet you Mia. I’m—”

“Mia?”

She turned around. 

It was Lake.

Her hands were clasped together on her chest — the corners of her lips slightly downturned.

“Oh. Hi Lake.”

Mia glanced back at the woman, and she gave her a knowing smile before putting in earbuds and turning to her notepad.

“Can I sit with you?” Lake asked.

Mia sighed in response.

Lake took the seat across from her.

“What?”

“Are you doing okay? After you told us about what happened to Victor you kind of just ran off.”

She waved her hand. “Yeah sorry about that. I just needed to get out of there.”

“But are you doing okay?”

“I mean, I’m better than I was on Friday, but I still feel like absolute shit.”

Lake pursed her lips. “Want to talk about it?”

“God, I’m so tired of people asking me about it. The counselor called me in, then Veronica talked to me, and then my dad, and then a bunch of people from school—”

“Okay, okay. I get it. We don’t need to talk about it.”

She scowled. “Why would you even care?”

“Because I’m your best friend?”

“My best friend who’s been avoiding me for the past two weeks or so.” She took a sip of her coffee. “But yeah, sure, my best friend.”

“I...I’m sorry Mia. Could you please give me a chance to explain myself?”

“No,” she almost said. Then she remembered Veronica’s words. _Give Victor some grace._

Veronica probably would have said the same thing about Lake.

“Okay, fine. Whatever.”

She took a deep breath. “Look, I didn’t mean to ghost you like that. I was feeling incredibly stressed about maintaining my friendship with you and Victor, especially after you lost it. And I know, I know. ‘Sisters before misters,’ always. But Victor’s situation was complicated, and even if he did hurt you — which wasn’t cool, being outed and then socially exiled was not a fair response for his actions. I felt bad for him. Really, really bad. Doesn’t mean I won’t tell him off when the time is right, but I kind of do get where he was coming from.”

“He fucked up a lot during your relationship,” she continued, “but his being gay explains a lot.”

“I just wish he would have told me sooner.”

“We all do, Mia. And if we’re being honest, I still probably would have taken your side if I had no other choice, but the problem is that — aside from adding fuel to the fire — it would have put a lot of stress on my relationship.”

“Ooooh.” She nodded. “I get it. This was about Felix.”

“It was not!” Lake looked down. “Okay. It was about him a bit...It’s just, our relationship is so new, and I didn’t want any excess drama breaking something already so new and fragile. I was afraid that if we were forced to take sides, it would break us up...and I didn’t want that.”

“Wow Lake, you’re really into him.”

She blushed. “I know. It’s bad, but I realize now that how we handled the situation was not okay. We could have both remained neutral while still being there for both of you. And I do want to put it out there, I do not think being gay is an excuse for doing what he did, but I do think we should be more forgiving towards him. Knowing Victor, even if he messed up a lot, I don’t think he did it out of spite.”

“That’s actually kind of a mature observation of you.”

“Well, Felix and I had a lot of discussions about it in the past few days. We both feel like shit for how we acted, and there was a lot of empathizing. I kid you not, he made us role play the scenario just to put ourselves into both his and your shoes.”

Mia chuckled. “That does sound like Felix.”

“He’s so weird, but so cute.”

“He is, right? But honestly, you totally snagged yourself a catch. Don’t fuck this one up.”

“Oh, I don’t plan on it.”

They laughed together.

“Thank you for giving me a chance to explain myself.” Lake reached out her hands, palms up. “Can you forgive me?”

Mia placed her hands in hers and looked directly into her eyes. “I forgive you.”

Her face lit up. “Really?”

“Yes!”

“OMG! Thank you!” She leapt out of her chair and rushed over to her side, embracing her in the tightest hug Mia had ever felt. “I promise I will never leave you again,” she whispered, “I swear.”

“I know you won’t.”

The girl at the table next to them began clapping. “Aw that was so cute!”

“Were you listening to the whole thing?”

“Ehhh.” She took out her earbuds. “I heard the word, ‘gay,’ and immediately tuned in. Sounds like you had a classic case of the ‘Closeted Boyfriend.' It sucks when you mistake a best friendship for romantic feelings, doesn’t it?”

“It wasn’t a best—” Mia stopped herself. “Actually, yeah, it kind of was.”

The girl nodded, setting down her notepad. “I was in a similar situation not too long ago — if you wouldn’t mind indulging me.”

“Please,” Lake offered, “We’d love to hear your sage wisdom.”

“Well, about two years ago, my best friend was _also_ outed — some shitty guy in our grade was blackmailing him in order to help him get set up with my now girlfriend.”

Lake gasped. “Plot twist!”

She held up the notepad, revealing a sharpie portrait of a beautiful girl with soft dimples and short, curly hair. “Abby Suso: my sweet angel. Any who, in order to protect himself, my friend felt like he had to manipulate my friend group. He tried to set Abby up with the guy. He tried to get me with his best friend. All of this was a desperate attempt to protect himself from being outed. It failed — on no fault of his own.”

“What happened?”

She took a sip of her chai. “Hell hath no fury like a _man_ scorned.”

Mia raised her eyebrows. “Abby rejected him?”

“Dipshit asked her out at the homecoming game in front of the entire school.”

“OMG!” Lake’s eyes widened. “MARTIN ADDISON?! He’s like, a Creekwood urban legend. Peak Cringe!”

“Abby and I got that one started. A little retribution for what he did to our friend. But at the time we found out this had all happened, none of us really heard his side. We got together after the whole thing broke and had a long conversation about why it was happening. When we realized we were all manipulated, we got real butt hurt about it. Well, Abby most deservedly so, but even if what he did was wrong, none of us really took into account _why_ he was doing it. His intentions weren’t mal in the slightest.”

“Just like Victor…”

“Exactly. Being in the closet sucks. I know because I’ve been there. It feels like...you’re trapped. The walls are closing in on you all the time, but only you can make the choice to leave. If someone invades that space — key word: _invade_ — and tries to force you out against your will, it’s violating. My friend was lucky that his family was so accepting, but imagine how much worse off he would have been if he had homophobic parents.”

“Or religious parents,” Lake added, “Victor’s parents are Catholic.”

The girl winced. “Yeah, Christians can be a particularly tough crowd.”

“My dad’s sister is a die hard protestant, and every time we see her, she always goes on some pro-trump, christian rant about whatever new thing she decides to hate,” Mia said, “Gay people are a common topic. We just smile and nod.”

“Just imagine how hard it must be for your friend Victor. Even if his parent’s haven’t made themselves known as dyed-in-the-wool bigots, the sheer fact that they’re religious can make it difficult to know if they’re chill.”

“God, being gay sounds so difficult.”

“It can be, but it is also one of the most beautiful experiences. I’m truly grateful for my queerness. Baggage and all. Mia, I was in love with my closeted best friend for the longest time. I mistook our moments of platonic intimacy for romantic hints, and it sounds like both of you weren’t on the same page. And that’s okay! Life happens!”

“It just sucked. Even if he was outed, it sucks knowing that he left me on the dance floor just to make out with another guy.”

“He did that?”

Lake and Mia nodded in unison.

“Okay well, that does suck — I mean, I’d probably give him an earful, but based on what I’ve heard, it doesn’t sound like he meant to hurt you.”

“I just want to know if it was real.”

The girl smiled. “I think only you and your friend can answer that question together.”

“You’re right. So I guess what I have to do is find him and talk to him, right?”

“When you feel ready, you should make the effort to make amends.” The girl sighed. “What my best friend did was shitty, but my friend group also fucked up royally. We should have been more empathetic, and in canceling him, we were bystanders to a public display of homophobia against him. I didn’t even stand up for him.” Her voice ached with shame. “In all honesty, I didn’t have the guts to apologize until a year and a half later.”

A beat of silence.

She looked up. “Don’t make my mistake. Be more mature than we were, okay?”

Mia nodded. “I understand. I will do better.”

“I will too.” Lake added.

“Well then, my job here is done.” She checked her phone. “And perfect timing too. My best friend is outside, ready to take me to his house for an early dinner.”

“Wait,” Mia said as she got up, “I never got your name.”

The girl extended her hand. “My name is Leah Burke.”

“Leah Burke.” Mia echoed, shaking her hand. “Thank you, Leah.”

“Of course! And your name?”

“Oh, I’m Lake Merriwether. Pleasure to meet you.”

“Merriwether…” Leah’s eyes widened. “Like Georgina Merriwether?”

“Yup.” Her lips drew tight. “Just like her.”

“To be honest, I always found her irritating.”

Relief flooded Lake’s expression. “Right!? She’s so fake.”

“One hundred percent. Well, I should be off. Hopefully, I’ll see you around Mia.”

“You as well, Leah.”

She gave them a sunny wave as she pushed open the door to Brasstown Blues open with her back. Within a blink, she was gone.

“Wow,” Lake said, awestruck, “She’s my...my new icon.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. Hey, would you mind dropping me off at my house? Veronica is making black bean casserole, and she wants me to help out with it.”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

Mia followed Lake out of the cafe and into her rusty brown Camaro.

“Do you have any preference on music?”

“Not right now.”

“Great! I have to introduce you to this new artist I’ve discovered. People in Creekwood are totes sleeping on her. Rina Sawayama. Have you heard of her?”  
Mia shook her head.

“Okay then, we’re listening to her.”

Lake turned on one of her songs called “XS,” as she pulled out of the parking lot. The intro was off-putting. Eerie strings and strange vocal tracks played over the sounds of a car engine starting. Ten seconds in, it cuts to a descending, hard rock, guitar riff and then into the first verse. A complete genre change into 2000s pop; acoustic guitar strumming and a triangle on the first beat of each measure. Mia got into the groove immediately.

“Right? It’s so good!”

Lake turned up the volume as they drove along. Mia lost herself in the music — in the lyrics about opulence and greed. She threw her hands up, letting the wind breeze through her fingers. For the first time in weeks, she felt free.

Then they pulled into her driveway.

“Oh fuck. Mia.”

“What?”

She opened her eyes and her heart sank.

Andrew was sitting out on her front porch.


	12. Mia

“Andrew, what are you doing here?” Mia approached him.

He stood up and grimaced. In the afternoon light, the sunlight captured the shine within his eyes. 

They shone with shame.

“Mia. I...I need to tell you something.”

Lake nearly tripped on her way over to Mia’s side. “Andrew, hi.”

“Hi Lake. Can Mia and I…?”

She nodded her head. “Say no more. I’ll be inside.”

Mia and her exchanged a tense glance as she left them alone on her stoop.

“So, what do you need?”

He sighed, looking down. “Could you ever hate me?”

This took her aback. “Hate you?”

“Could you ever hate me?” he repeated.

“I-I don’t know. I don’t think I can. I’ve known you for too long.”

“ _ Could you ever hate me _ ?” Andrew looked up. The shine in his eyes was more intense than before.

“Andrew...what happened?”

He bit his lip. “Mia, I just want you to know that I’d do anything for you. I’m so grateful for the time we’ve spent together these past few weeks and—”

“ _ What _ .  _ Happened _ .”

A demand; not a question.

“After I walked you home from the spring fling, I went to a party with a couple friends of mine from the team.”

Andrew paused.

“We...we had too much to drink, and that’s when Kyle showed us the picture.”

The feeling of cold needles puncturing skin rippled across her skin. 

Horror crept into her spine.

“He went outside for a smoke during the dance.  _ He _ was the one who took the picture, but...I posted it on Creek Secrets.”

Mia stood there, dumbfounded.

“‘Salaslut’ wasn’t my idea, that was someone else’s—”

“ _ Why _ ?”

“Mia I...I saw how devastated you were, and I heard you were having a rough time, so I wanted to protect you and get some retribution for what he—”

“DO YOU HAVE  _ANY_ IDEA WHAT YOU DID!?” She yelled, “VICTOR IS IN THE  _FUCKING_ HOSPITAL BECAUSE OF YOU!”

He held up his hands in defense. “I know. Coach Ford told the whole team on the Friday before spring break. I feel so, so horrible, and I’m so, _so_ sorry.”

“You little fuck.” Her tone dripped with venom. "What kind of fucked up complex would someone have to do what you did?"

“Mia, I was drunk! I wasn’t thinking clearly!”

“Oh, so you’re telling you  _ weren’t _ thinking clearly when you confronted him in front of  _ everyone _ ?”

A tear streaked down his cheek. “I did it because I was angry at him. I was jealous and stupid. I just wanted to make him hurt the way he hurt you. I didn’t mean for him to actually try to kill himself. I care about you Mia. I lo—”

“Save it.”

“Mia,” Andrew whispered, “I’m sorry.”

“I am not the one you need to apologize too.”

She shoved past him, opened the front door, and shut him out with a resounding, “THUD!”

Lake looked up from the couch, eyes wide. “Baby, what happened?”

“It was Andrew.” She seethed, “Andrew made the post.”

Her mouth fell open. “Andrew... _ outed _ Victor?”

“I can’t even look at him — let alone be near him — right now.”

“Oh, I can.” Lake stood up and set down her purse. “I’m gonna give him a piece of my mind. Excuse me.”

Reading someone with cool savagery. This was the Merriweather way. Mia forgot that Lake could be an ice cold motherfucker.

She tossed her hair over her shoulders, strutting past her.

“Andrew, Sweetie…” Mia heard her start as the front door closed behind her.

She stood there in the foyer. Anger boiled in her blood, causing her body to shake harder than an earthquake.

“Mia?” Veronica poked her head out from the kitchen. “Everything okay?”

“I’m fine.”

She pursed her lips. “No you’re not.”

Mia took a deep breath. “Can I please have a hug?”

“Of course!”

Veronica took her into her arms. The rage in her system cooled to a persistent ache. In her embrace, Mia felt like she’d been brought back to center. It was the motherly affection she so craved in stolen hours at night.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not right now. I...think I need to calm down first.”

She rubbed her back. “Okay. Why don’t you help me cook the casserole?

“I will.” Mia paused. “Actually, I need to do something first. Can I join you in a second?”

“Sure! Is Lake joining us?”

“Um—”

Lake opened the front door, looking winded. “Well, I can confidently say that Andrew will now no longer be coming near you or Victor anytime soon.”

“What did you say?”

“As my incredible boyfriend once said, ‘A master never reveals their secrets.’”

“God, Felix is rubbing off on you, isn’t he?”

She blushed. “Guilty.”

“Will you be staying with us for dinner?” Veronica asked.

“You know what? Yes. Yes I will.”

“Great!” She smiled. “Why don’t you come help me with the casserole?”

Lake followed her into the kitchen.

Mia took a deep breath. A cosmic shift seemed to happen in that moment. The stars aligned, and a tugging sensation pulled at her insides.

_ Give Victor some grace. _

_ Don’t make my mistake. _

Veronica and Leah’s words echoed throughout her mind.

Mia pulled out her phone and dialed up Felix’s number. He picked up immediately.

“Mia?”

“Hi Felix. I need to see Victor, ASAP.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so we've reached the conclusion of Part 3! Who's perspective will we see next? Well, that is to be seen. S/o to everyone that's been tagging along with the story so far! All the positivity means so much to me. See y'all on Wednesday for the beginning of Part 4! Sending love <3


	13. Victor

Victor stared at the ceiling.

Bleak and white, everything was hazy.

Everything hurt.

His body was sore from the sheer lack of movement — lying in bed for days. They pumped his stomach the moment he was dropped into the room. The memory was still fresh. Tears rolling down his cheeks. Retching. It felt as though someone punched him in the gut.

Why did they have to save him?

Why couldn’t they let the pain stop?

“Everything happens for a reason. God has a plan,” his mother once said.

Bullshit.

There was a gentle knock on the door. “Hello, Victor? Are you up?”

“Yeah,” he croaked.

A nurse with curly red hair came in. “Hi sweetie!” Her southern accent was thick as syrup. “Your dad is here to pick you up. He’s waiting outside. We’ve brought you a change of clothes, so all you need to do is get changed, meet him out in the lobby, have him fill out the release forms, and then you’re set!”

“Wait...I can go now?”

“Why yes, sugar. You’ve been discharged.”

He sighed.

“I know right? Freedom!” She shook her fists in encouragement. “Your clothes are right here, and your dad is in the lobby.”

“Thanks.” His voice barely a whisper.

The nurse smiled at him sadly and closed the door. It took all of his strength to swing his legs off the bed. They felt heavy as lead. A wave of pain rolled through his body, causing him to nearly double over. He could feel his system waking up as he pushed off the springy cot and stumbled over to his clothes. Nothing special. Just his basketball jacket, baggy sweatpants, and a black tee. Changing felt like more of an ordeal than it should have been. Maybe it’s because he barely moved for five days straight.

Maybe it’s because his body was at war with his mind.

Victor slumped down the hallway. In the mix of shadows cast from lights alternating between on and off down the hall, he could see the outline of his own shadow cast long and forlorn against the wall. His shoulders were slumped so forward that it looked as though one, slight push would cause him to break.

Armando caught his eye as he turned the corner.

“¡Flaco!”

He rushed to him, taking him into a bear hug. Armando squeezed, but it wasn’t too much. It was somehow soft, persistent. His warmth seeped into his soul, sending a fuzzy feeling down to the tips of his toes.

“Hi, papi.”

Armando held him out by the shoulders, looking deep into his eyes. He took a moment before saying, “I thought I was going to lose you.”

He said nothing.

“Okay. Let’s get you home. Your mama is going crazy, and you know when she’s on the warpath, there’s no stopping her.”

“That’s Mami,” he chuckled weakly.

Armando guided him out of the hospital, not taking his arm off his shoulder until they reached his black pickup truck.

“Any music requests?”

“Not really. I kind of just want to be in silence for now.”

“Oh, I know! I’ve got one that will cheer you up.” Ignoring his request, he scrolled through his music library before turning on, “Call Me Maybe.”

“Eh? Come on, flaco. You used to love this song.”

They pulled out of the parking lot.

“Come on,” he egged him on, “You know you want to dance! What was that silly routine you used to do for mami?”

The hyper-pop strings and synths — which normally sounded like a jubilant melody — sounded like noise, loud and abrasive.

“Dad, can we just turn it off, please?”

He ignored him again, bobbing his head to the beat.

Victor reached over to the radio and pressed the power button.

“No music. Please.”

Armando swallowed. “Okay, fine. I was just trying to cheer you up.”

“Cheer me up or cheer _you_ up?”

He said nothing.

“That’s what I thought.”

They drove home in silence. Victor stared out the window, watching the trees pass in green blurs. In the distance, he could make out the gray horizon beneath the clouds. Rain was on the way.

“Victor...why did you do it?”

“What?” He shifted his body away from the window.

“I said, ‘why did you do it?’”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Victor, I’m your dad. You know that I’m always, always here for you.”

“Of course, except you’ve got your own problems to worry about, so there’s that.”

He scowled. “Don’t talk to me like that.”

“I’m just saying Papi, you’re preoccupied with the divorce or whatever. You don’t have time for my problems—”

“I’m your _dad_ ,” he said, “It’s my job to take care of you.”

“Papi, you wouldn’t get it.”

They turned onto the street where his apartment resided.

“Victor, I too was a teenager once upon a time. If kids were shitty to you, I think I can more than relate.”

“No you can’t.”

“Flaco, I think I—”

“Dad, I’m gay. Okay?”

They pulled into the driveway.

“See, I told you. You don’t get it.”

“So...you’re telling me that you tried to kill yourself because you’re _gay_?”

“Well, no. But I’m trying to prove a point: _you don’t get it_.”

Armando took a deep breath, closing his eyes, tilting his head back. Suddenly, it dawned on him what he just did. The impertinent angst in his chest fizzled out, replacing itself with a trembling fear.

“Dad, please say something.”

Nothing.

“Papi?”

“My son is gay.” He laughed, but there was no joy in his tone. “Of course, it all makes sense now. Your birthday party, the fact that you didn’t have a girlfriend until Mia…”

“Please, just say something.”

“What do you expect me to say, mijo?” Armando turned to him, expression grim.

“I-I just thought—you know, there’d be more of a reaction.”

He pressed his palms to his face. “I don’t want to say anything. I _can’t_.”

“Why not?”

“Because,” he sighed, “I don’t want to hurt or disappoint you...not with the state you’re in.”

Dread set in.

“Oh.”

Armando nodded slowly. “Yup.”

“Well.” Victor opened the door quickly. “I’m going to go now. Um, good talk.”

He slammed the door shut, and walked into the complex as fast as he could, leaving a devastated father in his wake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so we've begun Part 4! We've returned to Victor's perspective in the aftermath of his attempt. I hope you enjoy the read. Here is where the emotional recovery begins :) You've made it through the angst.


	14. Victor

“Victor!” Adrian was the first to notice him. “You’re back!” His little brother raced up to him, wrapping his little stick arms around his waist. “Where were you? Mami said you were on a basketball trip, but she was acting all weird about it. You left so suddenly. Did you bring me anything?”

He ruffled his head. “I’m sorry Adrian, I didn’t get you anything from er, Raleigh.”

“Daw man!” He pouted. “That sucks.”

“¿Adrian, Quién es ese?” Isabel poked her head around the kitchen entryway. Her expression fell. She dropped the box in her hand on the floor. “Victor...you’re home.”

“Hi mami.”

She stood there for a moment, taking him in. Then she took a step, then another, and then she ran to him, taking him into her arms.

“Oh my baby,” Isabel gasped through sobs, “My sweet baby. You’re here.”

“I’m here, mami. I’m here.”

“¿Por qué?” she asked, “Why did you do it?”

“I…I’m not ready to talk about.”

She pulled away, nodding. “Okay. If you want to keep it to yourself for now that’s fine. You just got home. Tome su tiempo.”

“Gracias.”

Her lip trembled.

“Mami?”

“I just — I thought I was going to lose you forever. I thought I was going to lose my rock.” Pressing her face into her hands, Victor watched as her tears dripped through the cracks between her fingers. A throng of regret struck his chest. He made his mother, his own mother, think he was gone. The sobs wracked her shoulders.

“I’m so sorry.”

She braced herself against the wall. “Amor, if you ever do this again, I swear on God—”

“I’m not. Hey, hey, mami,” Victor cupped her chin, “I’m not going to do it again. I promise.”

And that was the truth. The whole episode was a living nightmare. From passing out on the bathroom floor to waking in the ICU, everything felt hellish and hollow. Lonely. 

Empty. 

If the point was to stop the pain, maybe it wasn’t worth it if it meant hurting the ones who loved him more.

“Mami, I’m feeling really tired right now. Is it okay if I go to my room for a little while? I’m tired.”

“Yeah, okay,” she said, brushing a stray hair out of her face, “Just promise me you’ll keep the door open.”

“Promise.”

“Bueno. I’ll bring lunch to your room.”

“I’d like that very much.” He walked down the hallway. Briefly, Victor glanced into Pilar’s room. She wasn’t there — probably out and about.

His room was exactly as he left it: tidy and pristine. The sheets on his bed were folded evenly; the books on his desk were stacked neatly. A signed Rockets basketball lay at the foot of his bed. Atop his bed, his phone rested in the middle. It was all too put together. Even now, the feeling of safety he used to know was gone, replaced by a sense of morbidity, of intent. 

It was the room of a dead man.

Maybe he was dead. Victor certainly felt like it, or maybe the person he used to be was dead and gone. There was no closet anymore. He was out. There was no hope anymore. She was dead. There was no Felix, no Mia, no Lake, no Benji. They were all gone. The life he knew was over, and now…

Now, there’s only emptiness.

Just then his phone buzzed, the screen illuminating.

A notification. Reconnection.

Victor reached for it and read the message.

_Hey Vic!_

_Who would have thought that a campfire, a little pot, and the great outdoors would be the thing that made me finally realize how big the world is. Certainly not me. I used to think the world was big when I moved to NYU, but now? Well, let’s just say that our trek along the Appalachian Trail opened my eyes to many, many things. Your humble gay sherpa has become a little more wise in his ways._

_The retreat was amazing, and I can’t wait to tell you all about it. Bram and I just touched down in Atlanta. We’re on our way home now. I heard Brasstown Blues is supposed to be all the rage in Shady Creek these days. Would you like to come meet us for an afternoon coffee later today? How does 4:30 sound? No pressure. We’re here for a while :)_

_Love,_

_Simon_

Victor flopped onto his bed. In the whirlwind that was the last two and a half weeks, he completely forgot Simon existed. That was probably for the best. If Simon was around for the worst of it…

_Dear Simon,_

_I don’t have any plans later, so I’ll see you and Bram at the Brasstown near 4th and Division around 4:30!_

_Victor_

“Hey Mom?” he called.

“Que!?”

“Can I go hang out with a friend at 4:30?”

“What?! I can’t hear you through walls!”

Victor sighed, walking out to the kitchen. “Can I go see a friend at 4:30?”

“Um, no. You just got out of the hospital. You're in no condition to socialize right now.”

“ _Please_? It’s Benji,” he lied, “He's got an emergency.”

Isabel set down her spatula. “Fine. Just be home before six. I don’t feel comfortable with you being out right now. You need to recover.”

Relief flooded his veins. “Thank you Mami, I promise I’ll be home before.”

****

In retrospect, Victor was glad Benji had transferred locations. The thought of seeing him now, after everything that had happened, was too painful. He sat back in his chair and closed his eyes, picturing the hurt in his eyes. His brown eyes grew a little darker that day. Victor cursed himself for it. If things had gone differently — if he just embraced the moment, not caring what others thought, and took Benji as his own — he might be out right now with him. Lips locked. Victor’s fingers running through his soft, perfect hair.

The bell over the front door gave a chime. Even before turning over to see who it was, his ears perked up to the sound of warm, familiar voices chattering. Victor’s heart hammered in his chest, turning.

“Victor!” Simon raised a hand in greeting, a smile as bright as the sun, Bram’s arm slung around his shoulder.

“It’s our sooooon!” Bram let go of his hold on Simon. Dashing across the room, he plucked Victor out of his chair and took him into a tight hug.

“Careful babe,” Simon chuckled, “You might crush him.”

“It’s fine. I’ll gladly pay the hospital bill.” He let Victor go. “My, my, my! Victor did you grow since we last saw you?”

“I mean, did I? It’s only been a month or so.”

“Miracles can happen in short periods of time,” Simon said, hugging him in greeting. Victor found it interesting — noting the differences between Simon and Bram’s hugs. While Bram’s embrace felt firm and unafraid, Simon’s felt more tender, more cautious, as if he was aware of a person’s fragility.

“Order for Bram!” called out the Barista.

“I’ll get that. You two get started.” He kissed Simon on the cheek, turning his cheeks bright red, before leaving to get the order.

Victor’s heart melted. “Wow, you guys are so…”

“Cheesy?” He smiled sheepishly.

“I was going to say cute, but cheesy also works.”

“It never gets old. Here I am, almost two and a half years into our relationship, and I’m still blushing like it’s the first time.”

“You’re even cuter when you’re flustered,” Bram offered as he set down Simon’s coffee, “Here is your Chai Latte because you’re basic.”

“And you drink straight black coffee because you’re disgusting.”

Bram stuck out his tongue. “Wow, it’s like...we’re a match made in heaven.”

“Nooooo really?”

They threw their heads back laughing. Victor couldn’t help but join in. A fuzzy sensation prickled out from his chest. He hadn’t laughed like that in...God knows how long. Leave it to Simon and Bram to make the world more bearable.

“Okay, okay babe.” Simon caught his breath. “That’s enough antics from us. Catch us up on everything. Have you been holding alright okay?”

Victor shuffled in his seat. “Actually, would you guys mind going first? There's kind of a lot.”

Bram took a sip of his drink. “I mean, what is there to tell? Ivy brought the weed, Simon and Kim nearly crashed our canoe, and Justin is surprisingly good at guitar.”

“Dude can sing Coldplay like you wouldn’t believe.”

“Justin can sing?” Victor raised his eyebrows. “I didn’t even see a guitar in his room when I was last in your apartment.”

“Legend has it he has miss gurl stowed away in his closet.”

Simon smiled. “The whole theme of the retreat was, ‘Discover Your Best Self,’ and we were all encouraged have our ‘secret passions’,” he said in air quotes, “‘Come out.’”

Victor winced. “Very _punny_. Jesus, that sounds interesting.”

“It wasn’t as corny as it sounds. Justin got to flex on us every night, but I have to say, Simon is quite the poet.”

“I-I’m decent,” he stammered, “It’s not something I share with a lot of people.”

“Oh my god, I want to see one!”

“Show him, show him!” Bram chanted.

He shook his head, face tomato red. “I think I’ll pass for now. Reading my shitty work out loud every night at campfire time was traumatizing enough.”

“He’s really good.”

“Anyways!” Simon sideyed Bram, but he just laughed in response. “Please, do update your adoptive dads on what has been happening.”

Victor sighed. He could feel the weight of the world press down on his shoulders, pushing them forward. From the post to his fallout with Mia, Felix, and Benji, to his attempt...how on earth was he going to explain everything? 

“Life has been...bad. I-I don’t even know where to start. Well, I guess I can start with the fact that someone took a picture of Benji and I kissing and posted it on Creek Secrets.”

Bram put a hand over his mouth.

“Mia found out, and we had a really nasty falling out,” he continued, “I pushed Benji away when I shouldn’t have. He probably is afraid of me or hates me now or I don’t know. I was a dick to my best friend. The guys on the basketball team have been harassing me. I isolated myself from my family — they still don’t know that I’m—” He swallowed, briefly stopping the word vomit. “And everything is a mess. My life is in ruins. And the worst thing is, it’s all my fault. I’m a disaster. I self-destructed and hurt everyone I cared about, and all of this could have been avoided if I just was honest from the start, but here we are!”

He took a shaky breath. “I tried to...I tried to kill myself.”

Looking up, Victor took in their expressions. Bram’s brow was furrowed with sadness, and his lips were pressed together in a thin line. Quiet tears streaked down his cheeks.

Simon was expressionless.

They sat in silence for what felt like forever before Simon finally whispered, “I knew we shouldn’t have signed up for that trip. I told you.”

“I agree.” Bram squeezed his hand. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you.”

“No it’s okay,” Victor interjected, “Seriously, you already do so much for me. There’s no point in sacrificing your lives to take care of my needs.”

“Victor.” Simon leaned forward. “I don’t think you realize how much we care about you. In the months we’ve known you, Bram and I have grown to think of you as our own. We really, really, _really_ care about you. Like, we’ve stayed up late discussing how to give you the best advice. Bram spends more than his fair share of time worrying about, ‘his smol gay son.’ And it’s not just us I mean,” he chuckled, “Kim, Ivy, and Justin are always asking about you and giving input. Every time we find something cool, either at school or in the city, Ivy always says, ‘I wish Victor was here. He’d love to see this.’ You don’t have to take my word for it, but we’re all invested in you.”

He offered his hands, and Victor took them. Bram rested his on theirs. “I’ve gone through a lot. I know what it’s like to be outed — over Creek Secrets no less. I can give advice on coming out, Bram on divorce, Justin on religion. Most of us can relate to wanting to die, but in all honesty, none of us know what it’s like to try to hurt yourself like that. And knowing that we weren’t there to help, and that we couldn’t do much even if we tried—” his voice broke, “That sucks so _fucking_ much.”

Victor had to fight back a sob.

“You know, I once heard someone say, ‘I don’t get it, but I want you to know I care,’” Bram said, “And we do.”

“I wish there was something I could say that could make it better, I do. I can’t...But what I can say is that we’re here now.”

“You’ll never not have us in your corner.” Bram smiled. “We would miss you _so_ much if you left. Who else are we going to have to teach us how to raise a child?”

Victor laughed weakly. “I’m sure there are plenty of lost gay kids like me.”

“True,” Simon agreed, wiping away a stray tear, “But we want you, Victor.”

That was it. The floodgates opened, and everything just came out. Tears like rain rushed down his face. He covered his face self-consciously in an attempt to stifle the loud sobs. Unlike before, they weren’t tears of despair. 

They were tears of relief.

Simon and Bram got up from their chairs and wrapped him in a fatherly embrace.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, _so_ sorry,” he whimpered.

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Simon kissed him on the head. “We love you. Never forget that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhh! I loved writing this chapter. We're really seeing a change in emotion! Victor is coming out of the darkness, and hope is just around the corner. As a friendly reminder to anyone struggling with burdens, baggage, and everything in between, remember that you are valued by the people in your life. Also, a wise mentor of mine once said, "this too shall pass." Remember those words too <3


	15. Victor

Two days until school began again.

Victor watched the cars drive by on his street. The tender morning light cast dark shadows between the trees. Leaves formed shifting blankets of shade across the pavement. Everything was so green. Back in Texas, late April signaled the rolling in of golden hills and drier days. But in Atlanta, Spring meant  _ spring _ . His elderly neighbors across the street were gardening. The wife was clipping away at a rose topiary when her hand slipped, the cutters slipping out of her hands and falling to the ground. Rose petals showered out from the flowers the clippers grazed on it’s way down.

“Shit!” he heard her say. “This always happens, every year.”

“Jean, I keep telling you that you should let me cut the topiary.”

“I swear to god Phil, I don’t need this from you right now.”

Victor laughed to himself. The hope in his chest grew just a little. Maybe one day he could be old and grumpily married to someone.

“Victor!” Isabel called, “¡Ven aqui! You have to see this.”

“Coming!”

Victor stood up from his chair and stretched. He found his mother on the couch, eyes filled with excitement.

She patted the spot next to her, “¡Siéntate!”

He did.

Isabel was watching some movie musical. Bright colors and song lit up the screen in a dazzling display. The scene was between an older woman and man. Fireworks blasted in the background, and the two of them had one arm wrapped around each other, leaning into the other.

“There was something in the air that night. The stars were bright, Fernando!” They sang in unison.

It sounded vaguely familiar.

“Do you remember this song, mijo?”

He squinted, racking his brain. “Fernando by...ABBA?”

“¡Si!” She giggled, “You guys used to love Mamma Mia and ABBA when you were little. You, Pilar, and Papi would do the dishes to songs like this, and I’d have my little camcorder. You especially loved it.”

Victor smiled. “Is this Mamma Mia?”

“The Sequel, yes.”

“They made a sequel? How can you make a sequel to Mamma Mia?”

She shrugged. “Realmente no lo sé, but it’s very good. I went with a couple chicas to watch it a few years back. I guess I just needed something joyful today.”

“Can...Can I watch it with you?”

Isabel wrapped her arm around his shoulders. “Of course, amor. I’d love that.”

They sat there together, watching the final minutes of the movie. The scene he walked in on was actually quite touching. It was the reunion of two old flames. Neither one truly got over the over, and by some miracle, the two of them managed to find their way back to one another at the party. Fernando was their reunion song. A reflection on their wild days of youth.

Then the party was over, and time flashed forward. Sophie had a baby, and the last scene was her child’s baptism. It was done in tandem with a flashback to when her own mother baptized her in that same chapel. The ghost of Donna, her mother, sang over her in that sweet moment. Isabel squeezed his shoulder, and Victor felt himself choke up. 

It was so beautiful. 

Sophie came full circle.

“You are still my love and my life. You’re my one and only,” Donna sang she closed the doors of the chapel and disappeared into the hereafter.

The closing number was a reprise of Super Trouper. Every character got their light highlight moment in peak ABBA fashion: glitter and disco suits. 

It was so gay, but Victor wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Wow, that was muy bien.” Isabel wiped her eyes. “I really needed that.

“Me too.”

She turned to him. “What’s been going on with you? You seem like you’re getting a little better, and that worries me.”

“Why, Mami?”

“I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know what’s happening in your world anymore. As your mother, that is terrifying.”

Victor sighed. “I promise, I am actually doing a little better.”

“Well, that’s a relief.” She pursed her lips. “Why didn’t you tell me about Mia?”

He pulled back quickly, like he touched hot water. “What?”

“You and Mia broke up. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“How do you know we broke up?”

Isabel took a sip of water. “The night you attempted, I called Mia, and she came down to the hospital for emotional support.”

He nodded.

“She mentioned the two of you broke—”

The front door opened, and Pilar came in.

“¡Buenos Dias, amor! Did you have fun at Nora’s last night?”

Pilar’s face lit up. “Mami, the Spiers are  _ so _ nice! You have to meet them someday, and Nora is _such_ a good cook. We’re planning on taking culinary together next year so she can teach me more stuff.”

“I’m glad you’ve found a new friend.” Isabel waved her over. “Come sit with us, we were just talking about everything going on.”

Pilar eyed him cautiously, joining them.

“What did she tell you, exactly?” Anxiety closed its fist around his throat.

“Honestly, she didn’t give me any answers. Her and Pilar insisted it was your story to tell, so...here we are. If you don’t feel comfortable telling me now, I mean, you don’t have to.”

“No, Mami. It’s fine.” Victor met Pilar’s eyes. She offered a gentle, knowing smile. “Mia and I...broke up b-because...I cheated.”

Isabel placed a hand over her face. “Ay dios mio. What an example I’ve set.”

“No, mami. It’s not your fault. Please—”

“Oh god, was it that Lake girl? She  _ is _ very pretty.”

“Hey,” Pilar put a hand on her shoulder, “It wasn’t Lake. Let Victor explain.”

He took a deep breath. “Do you remember my co-worker, Benji?”

“The really handsome gay one that came to your birthday party with his novio? Of course! He was such a sweetheart…” She trailed off as realization crept up on her. “Oh.”

“Yeah. ‘Oh.’” Victor swallowed. “Mom...I’m gay.”

She nodded.

“And, I didn’t want to tell you because I was afraid. You’re so religious, and that’s wonderful, but Catholics haven’t been accepting of gay people in...ever. When I first told you about Mia, you seemed so happy. I didn’t want to take that away from you. Then there was your separation from dad and the move. I just didn’t want to put any stress on the family. I figured I’d just keep my mouth shut and be everyone’s rock like you needed me to. And Dad’s already worried that Adrian is going to turn out gay, so there’s that too.”

“I just…I didn’t want to disappoint you,” he continued, “I’m sorry I hid it from you.”

Isabel placed a hand on his knee. “Victor, you shouldn’t have to feel like you have to put your needs after everyone else’s. In a way, it makes me glad your father and I raised you with good morals, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings, wants, needs...Is that why you tried to hurt yourself? Because you’re ashamed and you were hiding it?”

“I-I’m not ashamed. Honestly, I wasn’t sure until I kissed Benji, and I didn’t want to tell you or dad because I didn’t want to stress you out and—”

“Baby, look at me.” Isabel’s expression hardened. “We all have things going on, but that does not make your life and what happens to you an inconvenience. You went through something.  _ You still are _ . No matter what, we’re your family, and you can always, always tell us things.”

“Victor, when I found out about you and Benji, everything made a lot more sense” Pilar said, “I was still upset about how you handled Mia, but...I understand. I just want you to know that.”

“Thanks Pilar…” He looked at his mother. “Are you disappointed?”

She gave him a small smile. “You never really talked about girls back in Texas, and even if you did, you seemed...hesitant. I had made my peace with it, so when you brought Mia home, I got so excited because I never thought I’d see the day. Now, I know that this is our reality...and that’s okay.”

“So, you’re not upset?

“Why should I be? You’re still my rock, and I’m so happy that you’re being honest with me. Besides, Jesus taught us to love, not judge. It’s going to take some time getting used to this — I won’t lie, and your father is going to be a piece of work about it — but I  _ much _ prefer this than you being dead and never telling us the truth.”

Relief flooded his body. “Okay. Thank you...I promise I’ll tell you what’s been going on soon, but right now I just want to get through this last month without any more drama.”

“Telling me will cause drama?”

“Oh, Mami.” Pilar nodded vigorously. “Trust me. It will.”

“I just want to lay low for now. Do you trust me?”

Isabel bit her lip. “Alright, but if anything serious happens you have to tell me. Promise?”

“Promise.”

“No more secrets?”

He held out his pinky. “No more secrets.”

She wrapped hers around his. “Oh god, now you’re going to make me cry.”

“Please don’t cry. I’ve been crying a lot lately.”

Isabel swallowed. “Okay. Perdoname. I’m going to let it out in private then.”

She kissed him on the cheek, and left the room.

Pilar got up from the couch, walking over to the window. The bright light highlighted the darkness of her raven hair as it fell down her back in...curls? Victor squinted. Her hair was actually done. Pilar never did her hair.

“Your hair looks nice.” He joined her at the window.

“Thanks! I got a little inspiration from one of Nora’s friends.”

“As long as you don’t lose yourself along the way.”

“Oh no, Victor,” she said defensively, “They’re the most real people I’ve met in a long time.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you’re making some new friends.”

Pilar laughed weakly. “Me too.”

Then, she did something unexpected. Pilar threw her arms around him. 

“I missed you, hermanito.”

“I missed you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaaaaaaaaaay! We're here! A good coming out scene! Low-key got choked up writing this but, it's fine. We're just one chapter shy of the end of Part 4. Anyone got any guesses who's perspective its gonna be in Part 5? Leave guesses in the comments! Sending my love <3


End file.
